the queen is dead

Its been ages since I've done much of anything really. I have no desire to pursue any hobbies beyond reading - and then, I really just want to worry about the problems of Westeros in lieu of my own. I have no desire to paint, to clean, to get dressed in the morning or wander outside the walls of my little blue apartment. I'd be content just to sit here in my bubble, in my cage, and pretend that nothing  in the world has changed. That everything is the same. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine I am in Stephenville again, its summer and I'm hiding away in my bedroom, or running down some jagged hill with a troupe of friends, or staring out at the ocean with eyes made of glass. Those days are gone, though. 

Its amazing how quickly people slip into and out of your life. I have made so many friends over the years, and now some fall into my acquaintance pocket, or are enemies, or have simply ceased to exist. Right now I feel like everyone I've ever known is gone and I am just left to fill up all the holes they've left. This is the loneliest time I've ever faced in my life. Which is sad and strange, because I've purged so much negativity from my life, and I am exactly where I hoped I'd be this time last year. Theres one major difference, of course.

On June 5th my very brave and beautiful mother lost a very short but fierce battle with lung cancer. Watching her slowly deteriorate over the course of that year is the hardest thing I've ever had to witness. Always a tiny woman, she dropped to a meager 80lbs, her skin was yellow and raw, and she had a look of pain on her face in the last few weeks of her life that I will never forget. In the last few weeks she was here, she was reduced to silence and suffering - strange to see, for a woman that seemed to talk and laugh almost incessantly. Some days she didn't even seem to know me - I was a stranger to her and she was almost a stranger to me. It is a strange experience, to watch the place you came from - the woman that made you, hair and cells and skin - to crumble away before your eyes. Nothing instills you with more hopelessness, nothing tears apart your spirit more. 

Its been almost two months now, and I can't say how I'm doing exactly. For the first few weeks every time I woke up and remembered that she was gone I would burst into tears. After awhile it got easier. Now its harder again, and this time I find I am kind of retreating into myself. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone. I'd be content just sitting home playing video games and staring off into space. Wallowing in my guilt and regret, feeling sorry for myself & my family and angry at the rest of the world. 

  

Another facet of dealing with this is that for the first time in my young life I am confronted with my own mortality, something I thought I wouldn't face until I was gracefully middle aged. Yes I, Sierra Skinner, am going to die someday. I might get hit by a bus, or fall from the sky. I might do it willingly. I might die for months on end like my mother while my family tries to hold back tears. I might die an old woman in some nursing home, 98-years-old and surrounded by smiling nurses. However it happens, I just know for the first time in my life that I am not immortal. I am going to die. Youth is immortality, and I feel like my youth is gone forever. 

Meanwhile, what am I left with? How am I ever going to come to terms with the loss of my mother, to start living again? After all, despite being mortal I am alive for the time being, and I have put myself into a kind of stasis. I have closed my doors for the season, shut down. I don't know how to face the world feeling as I do, and I don't know how the world can accept me feeling this way. I wish it was as easy as it was at first - paint a smile on in the morning, talk about it unflinchingly, so bravely people would say. Now even thinking about my mom kills me, and the only image of her in life I can conjure up vividly is of her in a hospital bed on the last day of her life, struggling through each of her remaining breaths.

I feel completely alone, completely lost. I am drifting off to sea.

XO

from the top of the mountain

I just finished reading Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine's book "Last Chance to See" (for the second time in life) and I am so depressed now. The book is a collection of tales about their travels around the world to look for endangered species, and is essentially about what humans can do to help protect and save these beautiful creatures. If any of you have ever read Adams' "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" series, you know what a hysterically funny guy he is. The book is filled with the same kind of humor, except picture Douglas Adams himself, say, in China drawing pictures of condoms for baffled store clerks because him and the crew need them to cover a microphone with so they record underwater noise. 

What makes me really sad is the fact that since the book's publication - in the late 80s, early 90s - some of the species they went to look for in the book have actually gone extinct. Like the Baiji river dolphin, which is what they went to China to find. The dolphins were almost entirely blind, since they lived in very murky waters anyways and relied almost entirely on echolocation. But, because the river became filled with traffic from boats and hence a whole lot of noise, the dolphins echolocation wasn't so useful anymore and they started getting killed by boats. And getting caught in nets. And often eaten. Sigh. As of 2006 - almost 6 years ago - apparently they have gone entirely extinct.

Then theres the mountain gorillas - oh, the poor mountain gorillas! While they aren't extinct, as of last year there was only thought to be around 800 of them. Which may seem like a lot, but that number is probably dwindling as I type this. They live in Africa, which is not the easiest environment to live in considering its extremely hot and incredible war torn. They are being poached and their habitats are being destroyed. Also, because they share so much of our DNA, they are susceptible to many human illnesses. They are beautiful, curious, sociable animals. Douglas mentions in his book how he was sitting near one, writing something on a notepad when the gorilla came over and touched his pen and paper. Not to take it, just to see what it was and to see what it felt like. 

Sigh, I want to sit with gorillas just once before I die. It seems like such a beautiful experience. So strange to be around creatures that are so like us and yet so very different. Hopefully, somehow, they'll be around for a long time to come. I want to live in a world where there are still lions and tigers and gorillas and elephants and whales when I'm a little old lady!

I'm done with my rant for today. Save the animals, friends. Save the animals!

XO

its always better when we're together

Its a hard time in life. Dave has taken to calling me Eeyore, because all week I've been making suggestions to myself that are either peppy or practical or what have you, then following them by a very unenthusiastic "but what's the goddamn point". Yesterday sort of showed me that there is in fact a point. 

I was in a sad little mood, and my lovely Sarah and I went down to a duck pond with ice cream and chicken fingers. We talked about life over a million cigarettes, while the sky painted pictures with clouds for us and old people held hands. We watched a true display of friendship when a guy fearlessly jumped into the scuzzy pond to rescue his friend's dog. We got crafty together on a park bench, and eventually our sighs of anguish and frustration turned into silly smiles and laughter. Afterwards we went to bulk barn and I giggled at my boyfriend's enthusiasm for peanut butter and lentils. Later that night, I got to hug a friend I haven't seen in months and tell her stories, surprised that my life hasn't stopped completely and I actually have stories to tell. I have a life. Stuff happens in it. Some of those things are wonderful. 

My point here being that I have been reminded of my own personal mantra - that life is a cycle, and where there is good bad will follow, and where there is bad good will follow. Its been one of the hardest summers of my life, I've lost so many beautiful things. I've been stressed. I've been poor. I've questioned and cursed and been furious. But where there is darkness, there is light. I'm just grateful for the people I really care about now and all the things that make me happy. Life will get become incredible again in little baby steps, as it always does. Its already happening. And even despite the badness, I can still honestly say that I am happy, and that I am grateful.

So, in keeping with this trend of happiness, I'd like to make a list of the things that are making me happiest now, and are more or less sustaining my life force. Here goes!

1. Memories.
2. Big, green leaves catching the sunlight everytime I walk out my front door.
3. Good cups of tea, like earl gray and the lemongrass matte I bought yesterday! Its heaven for my aching throat.
4. GIANT BAG OF MINESTRONE. Also from my Bulk Barn adventure. I love soup, and minestrone is my favorite, so I am a happy girl at present.
5. Battlestar Galactica times with Allan. I'm a sucker for a good sci-fi series, and as we're drawing to the show's end my breath is taken away more and more by the utter brilliance of the writers, the actors, the composers. Its incredible in every way.
6. Writing. I've been writing lots of poetry lately, and it is making certain parts of my heart feel at peace with other parts.
7. My beautiful friends, who are always there for me no matter what.
8. My job, which may sound funny, but its so nice to be making money again and have a place where I can shut off my brain completely! Its a blessing sometimes.
9. I am warm all the time.
10. Listening to '90s music.
11. Reading Kurt Vonnegut novels.
12. Clean, wonderful smelling laundry.
13. Fruit.
14. Dreaming about the future.
15. Painting and drawing again.
16. My boyfriend's silly dances.

Not anything particularly extraordinary, but its the little things, you know?


XO

the swedish princess

Three years ago, this message appeared in my Facebook indox. I didn't realize it then, but this was one of the most important pieces of internet correspondence I'd ever receive. What began as a small voyage across Canada for the sake of poetry and meeting some very special people turned into some the most amazing years. I'll never forget when Amkiram arrived at my door, on one foggy St. John's morning. She leapt straight into my arms and we had the longest, squealiest hug that two people who've never met face to face before have ever shared. I knew immediately that she was a beautiful soul. 

I've never known anybody so incredible before. She is stunningly beautiful. Friendly, warm, intelligent, talented. I've never seen her fail at anything, and she never quits. She's determined, fierce. She is the kindest, most loving person I've ever met. She's the most understanding person I've ever met. She sees beauty in everything. She's the kind of person whose smile alone makes you feel like you are a good person, you are beautiful, and that you are loved.

She came about at a time in my life when I needed to feel those things, and I don't think I'd be such a positive and optimistic person today if it weren't for her. And I think that if Amki had never come here my life would be entirely different. I'm certainly grateful that she did. Today when I said goodbye to her, I thanked her. Because what she brought into my life was the most beautiful, precious gift I've ever received. She gave me myself. She gave me light. She gave me one of the most beautiful friendships I've ever had, and I hope that it will endure until we're old ladies.

I know she's going to do amazing in university, that her life in Sweden will be wonderful and beautiful. I have a million amazing memories of her that nothing can ever take away from me. I just wish we had more time, there are so many things we never got a chance to do. But I know we haven't seen the last of each other - our paths will cross again.

Like I said. This isn't the end, its just the beginning.

I love you.

XO