protège moi

I've noticed that lately, my musical choices have been extremely nostalgic ones. I've been drifting back to bands and songs I listened to in high school, and its like stepping into a time machine, and its all just beautiful images without all the weight and tired trembling.

Its amazing how much emotion and memory music can evoke. The way lilac bushes smelt on a particular damp morning - walking home alone in red heels on a summer morning - the sound of the ocean surging, just as the sky is starting to wake up. I just close my eyes and I'm there, in tiny pictures between the notes of songs. Music is really the best way to climb into the past. Music sort of plants its roots in me most when I'm on a walk, on a mission, alone with my thoughts, so many of my best musical memories concern walking - to something, away from something, smiling, in tears, just walking for the sake of it, walking because I'm too drunk to go home just yet. 

Everything changes, doesn't it? I wonder what my soundtrack for this particular year of my life will be. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

XO

its always better when we're together

Its a hard time in life. Dave has taken to calling me Eeyore, because all week I've been making suggestions to myself that are either peppy or practical or what have you, then following them by a very unenthusiastic "but what's the goddamn point". Yesterday sort of showed me that there is in fact a point. 

I was in a sad little mood, and my lovely Sarah and I went down to a duck pond with ice cream and chicken fingers. We talked about life over a million cigarettes, while the sky painted pictures with clouds for us and old people held hands. We watched a true display of friendship when a guy fearlessly jumped into the scuzzy pond to rescue his friend's dog. We got crafty together on a park bench, and eventually our sighs of anguish and frustration turned into silly smiles and laughter. Afterwards we went to bulk barn and I giggled at my boyfriend's enthusiasm for peanut butter and lentils. Later that night, I got to hug a friend I haven't seen in months and tell her stories, surprised that my life hasn't stopped completely and I actually have stories to tell. I have a life. Stuff happens in it. Some of those things are wonderful. 

My point here being that I have been reminded of my own personal mantra - that life is a cycle, and where there is good bad will follow, and where there is bad good will follow. Its been one of the hardest summers of my life, I've lost so many beautiful things. I've been stressed. I've been poor. I've questioned and cursed and been furious. But where there is darkness, there is light. I'm just grateful for the people I really care about now and all the things that make me happy. Life will get become incredible again in little baby steps, as it always does. Its already happening. And even despite the badness, I can still honestly say that I am happy, and that I am grateful.

So, in keeping with this trend of happiness, I'd like to make a list of the things that are making me happiest now, and are more or less sustaining my life force. Here goes!

1. Memories.
2. Big, green leaves catching the sunlight everytime I walk out my front door.
3. Good cups of tea, like earl gray and the lemongrass matte I bought yesterday! Its heaven for my aching throat.
4. GIANT BAG OF MINESTRONE. Also from my Bulk Barn adventure. I love soup, and minestrone is my favorite, so I am a happy girl at present.
5. Battlestar Galactica times with Allan. I'm a sucker for a good sci-fi series, and as we're drawing to the show's end my breath is taken away more and more by the utter brilliance of the writers, the actors, the composers. Its incredible in every way.
6. Writing. I've been writing lots of poetry lately, and it is making certain parts of my heart feel at peace with other parts.
7. My beautiful friends, who are always there for me no matter what.
8. My job, which may sound funny, but its so nice to be making money again and have a place where I can shut off my brain completely! Its a blessing sometimes.
9. I am warm all the time.
10. Listening to '90s music.
11. Reading Kurt Vonnegut novels.
12. Clean, wonderful smelling laundry.
13. Fruit.
14. Dreaming about the future.
15. Painting and drawing again.
16. My boyfriend's silly dances.

Not anything particularly extraordinary, but its the little things, you know?


XO

the swedish princess

Three years ago, this message appeared in my Facebook indox. I didn't realize it then, but this was one of the most important pieces of internet correspondence I'd ever receive. What began as a small voyage across Canada for the sake of poetry and meeting some very special people turned into some the most amazing years. I'll never forget when Amkiram arrived at my door, on one foggy St. John's morning. She leapt straight into my arms and we had the longest, squealiest hug that two people who've never met face to face before have ever shared. I knew immediately that she was a beautiful soul. 

I've never known anybody so incredible before. She is stunningly beautiful. Friendly, warm, intelligent, talented. I've never seen her fail at anything, and she never quits. She's determined, fierce. She is the kindest, most loving person I've ever met. She's the most understanding person I've ever met. She sees beauty in everything. She's the kind of person whose smile alone makes you feel like you are a good person, you are beautiful, and that you are loved.

She came about at a time in my life when I needed to feel those things, and I don't think I'd be such a positive and optimistic person today if it weren't for her. And I think that if Amki had never come here my life would be entirely different. I'm certainly grateful that she did. Today when I said goodbye to her, I thanked her. Because what she brought into my life was the most beautiful, precious gift I've ever received. She gave me myself. She gave me light. She gave me one of the most beautiful friendships I've ever had, and I hope that it will endure until we're old ladies.

I know she's going to do amazing in university, that her life in Sweden will be wonderful and beautiful. I have a million amazing memories of her that nothing can ever take away from me. I just wish we had more time, there are so many things we never got a chance to do. But I know we haven't seen the last of each other - our paths will cross again.

Like I said. This isn't the end, its just the beginning.

I love you.

XO

are you nobody, too?

I've never lived in the present at all before the last few years of my life. Before that I was always dwelling on the past, or some imaginary world I created for myself (what can I say, I was incredibly lonely until high school). Since I've grown up I've found myself incredibly grounded in the present, and in reality for the first time. Its given me many things I never knew I could possess, like self-confidence, strength, happiness and a real sense of purpose in life - but I feel like it took away a lot of things from me that I still miss. 

 I used to write. I used to write a lot. I have notebooks sitting around from high school that are filled with 15 page rants written in a single sitting while chainsmoking and sipping green tea. I can't do that anymore, and I wish I could.

Most people feel embarrassed by their past writing, and I am naturally extremely embarrassed by my very early poetry from the age of 12 to about 15 or so. But some of the pieces I wrote from the ages of 16 to 19 give me little chills and make me miss being able to think like that, let alone write like that. Its like as soon as I hit the age of 20 some sort of switch flipped inside my head and I became a different person. 

I guess I just miss that feeling of stuff mattering on such a deep level. I don't really feel that anymore about anything, I get bored so easily. When I was younger I used to have this special connection to my jewelry and clothes and felt like some objects were absolutely sacred. I don't feel that anymore. Things are just things, people are just people. Life is just life. Sigh. 

XO

strange history

Oh, friends! Oh! It is so very lovely to be back in this wonderful seaside city. Don't get me wrong, I adored being in Stephenville, and I had a little cry after my dad dropped me off at the airport (made worse because I was clutching my newly acquired Fozzie Bear stuffy, so I probably did look like a big baby), but being back here makes me feel really, really HOME. 

I had some brief and wonderful visits with good friends yesterday, and spent the evening snuggling and giggling with Dave, and had the best sleep of my life. I woke up bright and early, without a stuffy nose or puppies crawling on my face, so I feel very happy indeed. Now its coffee and a grilled cheese sandwich before I start my Russian History class! Excitement! 

Also, this evening I have a job interview with Marie's Mini Mart. The lady there sounds incredibly sweet and awesome, and I can't believe she actually waited until I got back from a 5 day vacation to interview me. I hope this means she'll give me a job! My fingers are crossed. Tomorrow, I'll be getting my jazz finished up for my Eastern College application, so I am hoping by Thursday morning that I'll more or less have the rest of my year figured out. Its a comforting change.

I have this strange and terrible habit of going back in time when I'm in Stephenville. Mine and Dave's anniversary is coming up in a few days (7 years, what the fuck), and I was thinking back on our relationship and found myself perusing Gmail for hours and reading the 100+ emails (which, by the way, isn't even an exaggeration) we sent each during our hopefully last 6-7 month breakup. And you know what? It wasn't even depressing. It didn't make me angry. It just filled me with gratitude and hope and reminded me of how intensely loved I am. Some of them were hilarious, others were like tender lovesick poems. We are the strangest people. I feel very lucky, though.

Now, I am off to shower, friends! I wish you all a good day, and I hope I see all of you soon. And also, now that I am bathing suit equipped I'd really love a pool date soon if anybody would love it. Let me know!

XO