from the back of my head

Since I have neither the energy or the cognitive ability to write a real post, here are just some tidbits from my thought process from the last few weeks. I've been so busy that my greatest joy is just having five minutes to sit down and shut my brain off... I now understand how my cell phone must feel some days.

1. Educationally, I still have quite a path to follow. I'm going to be finished my PCA program in exactly 48 possibly delightful, probably exhausting hours from now. From there, it goes: PCA < LPN < BN... MD? We shall see where life leads me. Goddamn, would I ever love to be a doctor. I admire the level of knowledge doctors have, as well as the responsibility that goes with the role. And yes, I understand that it requires about a thousand years of school, a lot of sacrifice, money and stress. Especially the stress. After the last two months, I feel as though theres nothing I can't do. I'M INVINCIBLE.

But really, my work term has taught me a lot of really valuable things. I am going to be a great PCA, but I yearn for something a little more. I intend to climb to the top of the health care ladder, wherever that ladder may end for me.

2. Sometimes, I feel like my boyfriend can read my mind. More than you'd think. It scares me sometimes.

3. I miss reading. And writing.

4. I long for the time to actually work on real artistic projects (as moaned about in my previous entry.)

5. People make me want to burrow into the ground.

6. Bread is amazing and I want to bake some homemade bread again real soon. Sarah, care to cross a goal off your birthday list from last year? I know your new list has begun, but its never too late.

7. Its strange to me that the most important words in my life used to be big, beautiful words like "empyrean", "verisimilitude", "azure", "voluptuous", "velvet"... lush, artistic words that softly massaged the senses and hinted at some big, dreamlike thing.

Now the most important words in my life are shortened little stencil like things... V/S, qid, DNR, bip, MRSA, adb... medical abbreviations, mostly. Though I have found a lot of beauty in medical terms as well. I like big long latin names,  particularly the ones for pathogens and diseases. Words like aphasia, dyspnea, cognition, etc... these all appeal to my word-loving nature.

8. Things that most people find moving or tragic have no affect on me. I find sometimes when people tell me sad stories, I have to fake my reaction. And I don't mean things like "I got a 50% on my last exam", I mean things like "I saw this story on the news about an entire family getting killed in a plane crash". I've never understood why. Maybe its because very little surprises me anymore.

9. I'm worried that in 10 years from now, I will be an orphan. Maybe less.

10. Sometimes, I try to summon up a postcard-perfect glimpse of my life in five years from now, and I just can't do it. When people talk about the future I sort of shut down because I can't get that far ahead. I can't dream because I'm scared of the disappointment involved with dreaming. Also, I feel like my life is on such an unpredictable course right now that theres no telling where I'll end up. I don't even know what, ideally, I'd want my life to be like in 10 years. I really don't.

And that is all for tonight folks. Where is everybody's head at these days? Is it in the fog, in the clouds? Is it hiding behind the sun? Is it asleep or loud or troubled or moonlit?



XO

stuck in the middle

The other day I was cleaning my perpetually messy bedroom, when I found my tiny tower of history stacked lonely in a dark corner, collecting dust. My precious notebooks. They date back to 2003, and I have dozens in different shapes, sizes, colors, materials. Each is filled with messy, tangled masses of beautiful words, thoughts, images. They exude a certain confidence that I didn't know at the time that I possessed. Reading them again I was shocked,  moved and naturally a little embarrassed (revisiting your mind at 15 is always a painful experience). I could write. I was confident that I could write. I knew my thoughts, they had patterns.  I seemed to know these patterns like maps. I was constantly inspired & moved by things, even the darkest aspects of life.

At the top of this pile, there are five notebooks. Each one is blank. Underneath this quintet of empty vessels, there is a diary that I began in 2010 and ended around this time last year. And it might as well have been written last week. My thoughts are the same - indecisive, apathetic, angry. I haven't changed a bit. My train of thought is identical. I was talking about doing things that I still haven't done yet. And still talk about doing. I don't mean big dreams like visiting Hawaii in the summertime. I mean simple achievable things like "I want to reorganize my closet and find a better job and take up cooking".

My whole life, I've been giving up on things. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've given up on everything I've ever tried. Either that, or just talktalktalked about doing something and never tried it at all. Exhibit A - notice the infrequency of my blogging, compared to the fair level of consistency it once had. I don't know why I do it, really. I adopt things for a few weeks, sometimes months, and then just slump back into being a ghost. This applies to both activities and hobbies. I bought running shoes swearing to myself that I would start jogging. I said I was going to learn Swedish. I've finished one painting in the last two years. I never study. I never write, the exception being the only two thoughts I've had for the last three years apparently: "I WANT TO BE A NURSE AND MY BRAIN IS EMPTY". The fact that I still have a job & have great marks in school absolutely astounds me. I get tired of listening to myself saying things like "I had this great idea!" or "I want to..." because I know its bullshit.

For years I've been trying to figure out what my problem is. Its been suggested that I just don't care. In remembering that in my youth I used to care about things far too much, this almost makes sense in a way - a sort of defense mechanism against disappointment, perhaps? I feel like I care a great deal about a lot of things, but maybe I'm just lying to myself. At the same time though, is it really possible to care about nothing? Or have I just changed into someone I don't want to be and I can't accept that?

I long for confidence. I long for the drive to do things, to feel satisfied about doing them. I long to stick to things when I make up my mind to do them. I long for the ability to make decisions, to argue, to know that I'm making the right decision. I long to be present, to be somebody, to be remembered. I honestly feel like a ghost and I can't live with it. But how do I fulfill these longings?

Is this just part of growing up, or is something wrong with me?

XO

the adults are coming! the adults are coming!

Monday I am starting my PCA program, and I am nervous. My class is very small, maybe twenty people. Many of them are older than me. Many of them have kids. Many of them seem a bit snobby and uptight, and I don't know how I'll ever be able to relate to them. I'm a weird duck. I have the hardest time connecting to other people, and I wish I didn't. 

Its partly that I'm shy. And its partly that I just don't care about people. I'm too awkward to start a conversation with someone, but as soon as I muster up the courage to do so they start talking about their car payments or bitching about daycare and I regret opening my mouth. I just smile and nod. Just once I'd love to strike up a conversation with somebody random and have them tell me a good story, or something funny. Most people just like having somebody to complain to, complained Sierra Skinner to the digital world. 

Also: I am scared because these people are adults. I am barely an adult. I am very childlike in many ways, and I never realize how naive or inexperienced I am until I get put into a room full of adults. I don't have a car, or a house. I've never had a real job before. I don't have a husband or children. I just move from day to day - cannot relate to anything there. And I find a lot of adults just pity you because you're not "there" in life yet. My sister and her friends still talk to me like a baby sister, because they feel bad that I'm not "there".  And so I shut up like a clam because I feel like a big insignificant baby.

I'm sure it'll be alright though, in the end. I just want to do well in my program, get good placement reviews and rock my way down to Eastern Health. I'm hoping I'll be making the big bucks by this time next year. The thought of $18-20 an hour plus 60 hour weeks and having all kinds of time off makes me drool all over myself, really. If being an adult means having a comfortable wage and a good job, then fuck you Neverland, I'm out of here. Er, well...

Of course, I am terrified of the future. Is this the right path for me? Will I be happy? Will I regret not taking one of the other thousand roads before me, and will it be too late to turn back if I change my mind? Growing up is scary, really. Just gotta take it as it comes, I guess and not worry too much about the who and the how and why and the where of things. Thats what makes people stress out and go crazy. Life is good for now, very good. I shall worry about the bad stuff when it gets here.

For now, I leave you with The New Pornographers, because I cannot stop listening to them ever.

XO

people are just people like you

We are defined by our relationships to people. For good or bad, our lives will always revolve heavily around the people in them, no matter how hard we try to create our own separate orbit. Even if your friends are being fuck ups and you lock yourself away (which happens to everybody at some point), there are still the people you work with. The people you buy your cigarettes from. The people you either smile or glare at on the streets. The people who sit next to you in class. No matter where you go, you are going to encounter people, and they are going to have an impact on you and your day, no matter how small an impact it may be. 

In remembering this, I compiled this little guide to dealing with human beings and trying to keep a level head while doing so. Inspired by guru Dave, the stress of human relationships, and the sunny bubble I've created around myself (its the only way I can deal with life). 

SIERRA'S GUIDE TO HUMANS

1. When people are frustrating you, remember its sometimes better to back into the shadows and let the situation resolve itself. While confrontation is often a good thing, sometimes it does more harm than good. 

2. Imagine how the other person is feeling and try to meet them in the middle. 

3. Always keep a positive attitude. Life is multi-faceted, like a diamond - and sometimes there is blackness, sometimes there are rainbows. You have to turn it over and keep looking to see the whole situation sometimes - and there might be more bright spots than you think.

4. Take solace in your own company. Sometimes this is necessary to fully appreciate your place in the world. Sometimes this even allows you to appreciate the qualities other people possess that make them special. Like when you're home alone and you can't reach the crackers on the top shelf!

5. You are not a safety net. If people mistake you for one, set them straight. Though its definitely okay to be one sometimes.

6. Remember that there is good in everyone, and every human being has the capacity to do something wonderful and beautiful. Try not to take everything at face value. 

7. You can observe the tiger pit, you can comment on it, but if you don't have any reason to be in the tiger pit yourself its best to stay out of it. If you feel like you want to, you're free to stick around to help dress the wounds.

8. Try to make the best of every situation. If people are pissing you off, channel that negative energy into something productive! Being angry gets you nowhere but more angry. Draw a picture, make a delicious meal, go for a run, clean your house... all these things help when you're feeling overwhelmed.

9. Assumptions are bad. If you don't hear the full story straight from the bard's mouth, don't jump to conclusions. It makes things ever so much worse.

10. And finally, a quote that I mentioned in a previous post (which I think everybody should swear by): Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. If you threw all your problems in a pile and saw the problems of others, you'd be snatching your problems back as fast as humanly possible.  

Thats all, folks! I hope some of you find this insightful, at least. Just remember - where there is sadness, happiness is just around the corner! We live in a giant wheel, and it keeps turning.

XO

future blues

Too much thinking about the future lately! And I thought living in the past was a scary thing, at least I know what happened and wasn't left chewing my fingernails in anxious speculation. 

Life is changing greatly - people are breaking up, moving away, getting jobs, graduating... its SCARY, thats what it is. I like to think that moving forward and growing up is a positive thing, but when I really think about what that means I break out in cold sweats. Sure, the idea of people moving away and getting houses and jobs and babies and husbands/wives is a sweet little idea, but. Those are the first steps to crazy mortgage debt, divorces, people dying, diseases, old age, etc. I want everybody I know to have a fairytale life, where they live happily ever after and die of old age in their beds, but oh wait - this is real life.

I don't WANT to grow up, can we all just please stay 20 and beautiful and carefree forever? When I think about getting divorced, my hair turning gray, my skin wrinkling, my parents dying... ahhh. Stop it, life. This is why living in the present is a beautiful thing, you can just take it as it comes and worry about things when you get there. I don't want to keep checking a map, I just wanna watch the trees blur past me on the highway until I get there. Can I please? 

I've ripped out my hair enough this post, I think! I know you're all just as scared as me, so I shall let Mr. Waits finish wailing on my behalf. Positive thoughts, people.

XO

are you nobody, too?

I've never lived in the present at all before the last few years of my life. Before that I was always dwelling on the past, or some imaginary world I created for myself (what can I say, I was incredibly lonely until high school). Since I've grown up I've found myself incredibly grounded in the present, and in reality for the first time. Its given me many things I never knew I could possess, like self-confidence, strength, happiness and a real sense of purpose in life - but I feel like it took away a lot of things from me that I still miss. 

 I used to write. I used to write a lot. I have notebooks sitting around from high school that are filled with 15 page rants written in a single sitting while chainsmoking and sipping green tea. I can't do that anymore, and I wish I could.

Most people feel embarrassed by their past writing, and I am naturally extremely embarrassed by my very early poetry from the age of 12 to about 15 or so. But some of the pieces I wrote from the ages of 16 to 19 give me little chills and make me miss being able to think like that, let alone write like that. Its like as soon as I hit the age of 20 some sort of switch flipped inside my head and I became a different person. 

I guess I just miss that feeling of stuff mattering on such a deep level. I don't really feel that anymore about anything, I get bored so easily. When I was younger I used to have this special connection to my jewelry and clothes and felt like some objects were absolutely sacred. I don't feel that anymore. Things are just things, people are just people. Life is just life. Sigh. 

XO

don't ever trust a survivor until you know what he did to survive

Its the weekend. Glorious, glorious weekend. My weekend can be summed up in:

-many slices of rye bread toast with butter and orange marmalade
-coffee, coffee, coffee
-8 pages of chemistry equations
-a brief trip to the mall to purchase baby clothes for my sister and have a luncheon with friends
-"Bluebeard" by Kurt Vonnegut
-American History X
-the familiar sound of pipes
-doodling

Not a terrible weekend, I feel. I have my first chemistry midterm this week, and since I failed the course the last time I figured it would be best if I made myself a recluse for the weekend to better my chemistry skills. I despised Chemistry before, but now that I know what I'm at its actually rather satisfying and oh-so-fun to do pages of pages of problems and get the right answers.

I am also having that wonderful student crisis of "where is my life going" that seems to be a familiar trend in the brains of my nearest and dearest of late. I got rejected from the Centre for Nursing Studies, the school where I was hoping I'd gain admission to and have a diploma by 2012. No such luck. So now I am faced with many choices. I am trying to get into the biology department at MUN. I am going to apply to both the medical radiography program at College of the North Atlantic, and the Personal Care Attendant program at Eastern College. All of these things will eventually lead me to a nursing degree, if I so choose, so one or the other will be wonderful I feel. They may even lead me on a different path. At least I have options, I guess. At least my tree still has apples on it, even though many have fallen. These are just on higher branches.

Its time to close off the 30 day movie challenge, pets. Its been a wild ride. Its prompted me to rewatch so many of my aforementioned favorites, and so many of my friends have told me that its inspired them to download and check out some of the movies on the list, which makes me the happiest. I love spreading good films, and hence good cheer, to people.

DAY 29: YOUR FAVORITE PLAY ADAPTATION

"Closer", 2004.

I didn't actually read this play until after I saw the movie, but it made me appreciate the movie even more. The play feels like a movie in itself. Its a story about relationships, and how you can never really know someone. Its very brutal and honest. The occupations of the characters focuses on this whole  idea of only knowing somebody superficially - a stripper, a dermatologist, a photographer, and a writer of obituaries. Its a story heavy with lies, deceit, and the acting is phenomenal. Under normal circumstances I'm not a fan of Julia Roberts, but she was exquisite in this movie. This is also the movie that first introduced me to the lovely music of Damien Rice, as the closing scene of the movie is Natalie Portman walking to the song "The Blower's Daughter" in slow motion. Amazing movie. Go watch it!


DAY 30: FAVORITE ROMANTIC MOVIE

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", 2004.

Sigh. Such a gorgeous movie. Very unconventional for a romance, but thats how Charlie Kaufman operates. Its directed by Michel Gondry, that wonderful visionary I mentioned who also directed "The Science of Sleep", another favorite. This movie is the story of a man and a woman who have a painful breakup, and centers around this medical practice that specializes in erasing painful memories of former loves. After their split, the man finds with great pain and anger that his ex-girlfriend has done just this, and decides to the same himself. However, while reliving his relationship in his mind through the erasing process, he realizes that he still loves her deeply and would rather have the memories of her, even if they are painful. After they have both had their memories erased, they meet again, as if they were meant to be together and now have something of a fresh start together. Its a beautiful movie, and Jim Carey and Kate Winslet were mesmerizingly awesome in it - they pretty much played the polar opposite of their usual characters, with Kate Winslet being the quirky one and Jim Carey being quiet and thoughtful. This is an absolute must-see.

And so ends my adventure into movieland, and what a trek it has been! Now I must think of something new and exciting to embark on with my blog. Any suggestions?

XO

things we want and things we need

First chemistry lab of the year today! It was so. Fucking. Chill. I already know the labs like the back of my hand so I flew through it, thankfully. I think I might actually have a shot at passing the course this time. Fall semester my demonstrators were all in their 20s, and this time I'd say my youngest one is in her late 50s. And they are sooo funny. Maureen, the head demonstrator made me "lol" my face off during her introduction. She's one of those older people whose really nice but will tell you anything to your face. I love that in a person. I really do. My favorite part of today, and the same lab last semester, was when we got to heat up magnesium (pictured above! pic from google, not me, though I'd love to have a camera in there). When it gets hot, it makes this intense light that you can't even look at. Then it turns to powder. Its toast.

30 day movie challenge, oui? Before I begin, I have to say that I could not decide between these two movies so I have to mention them both. Its a tie, and there ain't no breaking it, unless Michel Gondry and Darren Aronofsky have a mudfight. I'll do one at a time, though.

DAY 25: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOVIE

"The Fountain", 2006.

This is one of the saddest and most beautiful movies I've ever seen. Quite possibly one of the loveliest love stories ever, and the tripartite storyline just makes it all the more elaborate and lovely. Its set in three different time periods, and is essential one man's search for a cure for mortality so he can save his dying lover. Aside from being incredibly sad, heartwarming, and intense, the special effects... I can't even begin. They didn't use any CGI in the movie, but instead photographed and filmed micro-organisms and light shining through water more or less. I've never seen any other movie that used this kind of imaging, and it makes me sad. Its cheaper, and the affects it produces are absolutely breath-taking. You'd never guess that it was all done organically.

"The Science of Sleep", 2006.

Apparantly 2006 was a good year for visually pleasing movies. If you know me, you may or may not know that one of the boys I'd bang if I could is Gael Garcia Bernal. I mean, c'mon, wouldn't you? He's all Spanish and dorky and adorable. He kills me. This movie is one of the sweetest creations that has ever occured, and is essentially about this very artistic man who has trouble separating his dreams from reality, and falls in love with a pretty French girl, and all the madness that results from these two things. All the sets and props in the movie look like something you'd craft together in an afternoon, and its such a sweet, endearing movies. It reminds me of kids building a playhouse or something, and has such an innocent air about it. I love the giant spider typewriter thing the best when he's dictating the fateful letter. Sign. Michel Gondry is a visual genius.

I am feeling mighty weird today, and for the last two days. Don't really know why. Probably just stressed with school and money and such, but I'm not really enjoying the company of people too much these days and I hate that. I mostly just want to curl up in a ball and stuff my face and take scalding hot baths, but then when I'm home alone I feel lonely and think too much! There is no happy medium to my life, there really isn't. Sigh.

Its chemistry studying time, everybody. I hope you're all having a bit of a better day than I. At least I know stuff always gets better!

XO

your brains versus my tractorbeam

Today I am tired and sleepy. I had those weird sort of dreams that kind of ruin your entire day before you even open your eyes, so right from the get-go this day has not been fun. I had a plentiful breakfast and pretty much flew like a garbage bag to MUN. Its extremely windy out, and I am petite, what can I say? I arrived at the library windswept and contrary, as wind always makes me, only to realize that I forgot my cigarettes at home. No, today is not a very good day. Luckily, I have Psychology and English first up on the exam schedule, which are two of my easiest courses. Psychology requires minimal study, and English requires almost none except a quick review of notes and remembering the names of characters in novels. If wind and lack of smokes and easy exams are the worst things I have to complain about today, then I have a lucky girl indeed, really.

Today is another double feature on the 30 day movie challenge, but these two go together rather well, so no harm done.

DAY 10: YOUR FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER IN A MOVIE

Rhett Butler, "Gone With the Wind", 1939.

 
Come on, you know you love Gone with the Wind! Its one of the greatest, most epic movies of all time! And Clark Gable as Rhett in the movie especially warms my heart. His character is so laid back compared to the melodramatic southern belles and patriotic southern boys in the movie, he's probably the biggest relief the movie has to offer, as well as one of the only characters in the movie that really sees what's happening in a clear light, and sees the characters for what they truly are. When emotions are high, Rhett is the character that'll say,  straight up, exactly what's going through people's heads and exactly what needs to be done, whether people want to hear it or not. He's the only person that sees through Scarlett, and despite the fact that she's a raging selfish bitch, he loves her. He loves her because she's a raging selfish bitch. Its beautiful. Considering how old school this movie is, they're still one of the most realistic couples to ever grace the silver screen. I love them both. So yeah, Rhett Butler for the win!



DAY 11: YOUR FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER IN A MOVIE

Enid, "Ghost World", 2001.


Mmmm, Ghost World. This is still one the funniest movies I've ever seen, and the graphic novel by Daniel Clowes its based upon is golden. I love the attention to detail in the movie. Theres one movie where the two main character and walking down the street and one says to the other, in a bored tone, "Oh look, its the pants". The kinds of things you'd notice and say in real life. Its greatness. The movies main character Enid is especially great. She has to do summer school because she failed art, and is dealing with growing up and living on her own for the first time. She pretty much hates everyone, is self-conscious, and constantly changes her look. She's more or less the typical just out of high school girl, and I used to look up to her with beaming eyes when I was just such a girl. One of the most brilliant movie characters ever.


Now its back to the grind for me. I have my first exam tomorrow at 9am, and I have an unholy fear of sleeping in. Cross your fingers for me, and wish me luck!

XO

putting the damage on

Hey everyone,

Sorry I've been so utterly absent from life the last few days, its been a hectic week. Political rallies, plays, book launches and - tonight - fake proms. Its been a lovely one to wrap up a hectic semester, for sure. I've relaxed and done absolutely nothing, including even be in my own house, all week. Its been nice, I feel like I'm in high school again or something. Of course, it shall be shortlived - this weekend, aside from inevitable bouts of fun (clay cafe plz) - I plan to devote myself to some hardcore studying, if my brain can possibly handle it while pickled in so much alcohol. Wish me luck, I guess.

Since I find myself three days behind on the 30 day movie challenge, today's post shall be a fun little triple threat! Enjoy <3

DAY 4: A MOVIE FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD

"The Last Unicorn", 1982.

Man, this movie. Such gorgeous, old school storybook animation, killer voice acting by Mia Farrow, Jeff Bridges, and Christopher Lee (to name a few), cheesy songs, and one of the saddest tales ever told. This was the very first movie I can remember my mom buying for me, and I still remember sitting on our '70s style sofa watching it with my face covered in ketchup. Its the story of a unicorn who realizes that shes the last of her kind, the other unicorns being driven into the sea by a fiery beast called the red bull, who was collecting them for a lonely king who lived in a gloomy castle. The unicorns are the only thing that really makes the king feel anything. Its a beautiful movie. Its based on a novel I've yet to read, but its definitely on my list.




DAY 5: FAVORITE MUSICAL

"The Rocky Horror Picture Show", 1975.

Obviously Rocky Horror! This movie doesn't even require explanation, I feel. Its weird, its sassy, its hilarious, and I know the lyrics to every single song. I even spent several horrific months of my life being forced to dance the Time Warp over and over and over again. I die for the costumes, sets, and the hilarious '70s special effects. Probably the most fun movie ever. Its hard choosing a favorite musical, really, because there are so many awesome ones (Evita? Chicago? Hedwig?), but Rocky definitely takes the cake for me.








DAY 6: A MOVIE THAT MAKES YOU SAD

"City of God", 2002.

Man, this movie RUINS me emotionally, in a way that no movie has since probably Requiem for a Dream. Its a Brazilian movie directed by the same guy that did "The Constant Gardener", and its about a violent slum in Brazil called the City of God, ironically. Its absolutely brutal. The movie depicts gang warfare to the extreme. Theres one particularly scarring scene where this guy forces a kid whose no more than say 9 to shoot his friend, while both of them are hysterically weeping. The movie has a fairly happy ending, though.The main character is a photographer and achieves fame due to his up close and personal photos of the slum's gangs. The thing that makes me saddest is that this place actually exists, and most of the movie's events were actually based on real happenings. Just goes to show you have fucked up human beings can be, really. Its an incredible movie.


Thats all for today! I hope I see all of you soon. After tonight, I shall probably have many more exotic adventure tales to tell. Hope everyone is having a great week without school and obligations and such, and I love you all, my heart overflows. <3

XO
 

i was the lead in the orphan choir.

I cannot stop listening to Massive Attack's latest album, Heligoland. My dear Sarah introduced me to the beautiful track "Paraside Circus" and ever since I've been all over the awesomeness of it; I love the variety of different, rich, beautiful vocals they used. Its very different from Mezzanine, I feel, but still oh so lovely. 

I am at school today, trying to study before rehearsal times for my cousin Patrick's short piece (he's doing a directing course, and I have volunteered my services). Studying is so hard, I can never force myself to concentrate long enough, or I get super distracted by random things like hilarious websites or Facebook. One of the best parts of not having internet at my house, usually, is the fact that I can avoid this, but I usually get distracted by other things like TV shows and books I've watched/read a thousand times and still can't get enough of. 

I'm not sure how I feel this week. Weird, for surely. Its been a wonderful midterm break, though thoroughly unproductive. I scarcely opened a book or glanced at a page of notes the whole five days I was off, and I feel like a huge loser because of it. School unnerves me to a crazy extent, and yet I do nothing to fix things for myself. Its stupid. I have another midterm coming up in a week and I have the bejesus scared out of me, frankly. I also have an essay due in a week and an assignment next week and a zillion other things I will probably continue to procrastinate on. Thats just what I do, really. 

I don't know what else to say, really. Had my last midterm (from the official first round of midterms) today and boy was it a breeze. I was terrified, but 40/75 multiple choice is the greatest thing ever to find on a test, and my prof's multiple choice are always easy, considering its a 2000 level science course. Most profs like to give you five answers that sound identical, but not this guy, thank god.

I can't think of anything else to say. I want to find a copy of "Collapse" by Jared Diamond this week, a popular science writer I love; its about how civilizations and what determines whether they will succeed or fail and what will be the probable fate of our current civilization. Sounds exciting.




XO

 

somebody to love.

I cannot sleep because The Strombo Show, my preferred Sunday night sleepytimes radio program, is playing a barrage of '80s music that makes me both nauseous and a bit uncomfortable. Though I have to admit, I die for Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield" and "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division. But who doesn't? The rest all sounds like stuff I could hear on K-Rock at any point of the day or night. I think Georgie is having a midlife crisis. Poor Georgie!

In my lack of sleepies I should probably really be studying, but after watching two Psychology lectures, reading three chapters, and reading over two sections of slides for my Modern Biology & Human Society class this evening can't really say I'm too motivated to. I have a quota for how much of my limited attention span can be focused on academics each day, it would seem. Which isn't very long. I wish I could focus more on important things and less on stuff like novels I've already read and Zelda, but what can you do. Thats me and everybody, I guess.

I had a pretty good weekend. Friday the friends and myself headed out to my friend Lora's dad's lovely home in Flat Rock, which is a pretty little town outside St. John's. Most beautiful house in the entire world, it even has a three story greenhouse with all sorts of pretty plants and a loft and the entire house is filled to the brim with sunlight in the morning, its amazingly beautiful. Also, I want to kidnap her pets, they are so lovely. I got painfully drunk and we all ran around like sillies and the next morning hung out in plaid pajamas and ate Pizzaronis and taquitos for breakfast, and looked positively stately, as good friends do the morning after a bash.

Yesterday I ate at the Sprout with my sweetheart and wandered around downtown, spent the rest of my evening chez Empire where Amki and I drooled over gorgeous men in romantic comedies and wished we could whisk ourselves away to Italy for the rest of the winter. If only, the cold here is really starting to get to me. I miss grass, and sunshine. I miss colors and warmth and long days.

Today I woke up so contrary that I had to immediately crawl back into bed and sleep for another five hours or so, in some hope of feeling like a normal human being again. I don't know what's up, I felt like a tired little pile of poop all day. Very angry poop, very sad poop. The idea of being awake and doing anything, even drinking a cup of coffee, made me want to burst into tears. 

Winter does fucked up things to my brain.

XO