Monday I am starting my PCA program, and I am nervous. My class is very small, maybe twenty people. Many of them are older than me. Many of them have kids. Many of them seem a bit snobby and uptight, and I don't know how I'll ever be able to relate to them. I'm a weird duck. I have the hardest time connecting to other people, and I wish I didn't.
Its partly that I'm shy. And its partly that I just don't care about people. I'm too awkward to start a conversation with someone, but as soon as I muster up the courage to do so they start talking about their car payments or bitching about daycare and I regret opening my mouth. I just smile and nod. Just once I'd love to strike up a conversation with somebody random and have them tell me a good story, or something funny. Most people just like having somebody to complain to, complained Sierra Skinner to the digital world.
Also: I am scared because these people are adults. I am barely an adult. I am very childlike in many ways, and I never realize how naive or inexperienced I am until I get put into a room full of adults. I don't have a car, or a house. I've never had a real job before. I don't have a husband or children. I just move from day to day - cannot relate to anything there. And I find a lot of adults just pity you because you're not "there" in life yet. My sister and her friends still talk to me like a baby sister, because they feel bad that I'm not "there". And so I shut up like a clam because I feel like a big insignificant baby.
I'm sure it'll be alright though, in the end. I just want to do well in my program, get good placement reviews and rock my way down to Eastern Health. I'm hoping I'll be making the big bucks by this time next year. The thought of $18-20 an hour plus 60 hour weeks and having all kinds of time off makes me drool all over myself, really. If being an adult means having a comfortable wage and a good job, then fuck you Neverland, I'm out of here. Er, well...
Of course, I am terrified of the future. Is this the right path for me? Will I be happy? Will I regret not taking one of the other thousand roads before me, and will it be too late to turn back if I change my mind? Growing up is scary, really. Just gotta take it as it comes, I guess and not worry too much about the who and the how and why and the where of things. Thats what makes people stress out and go crazy. Life is good for now, very good. I shall worry about the bad stuff when it gets here.
For now, I leave you with The New Pornographers, because I cannot stop listening to them ever.
XO
Whoa, yours and Sarah's latest posts are both about similar themes. It's the scariness factor that makes me sad :/ The whole new life omg where am I going what is happening to me whyyyyy? is really frightening and daunting. There's a couple of people who are "there" around me now, looking at houses, having babies. I am in no hurry to get there. I want to make sure I get there when I'm ready so I don't screw it up any more than what is necessary. Btw, 18-20 bucks an hour is ridiculously awesome, imagine how many leopard-print things you can buy!!! (Leopard-print seems to be the fasionable thing this fall so you are in luck, both H&M and Topshop have a bunch of it out. Also fake fur and this weird mix of styles ranging from the 60ies-80ies. So as long as you are not up to date in your clothing-style you should be fine ^^) But well. Girly-times. Skype-chats. We needs to make them happen! More love!!!
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