my frantic life

I felt like I had to follow up my last very pessimistic blog post with some happier words. Truth is, I am having the hardest time I've ever had stress-wise and financially, but there are so many little moments of happiness thrown in amongst the hardship that it makes it a little bit easier. I've come to terms with the fact that this is going to be a very poor semester for me. And that I am very rarely going to see my friends throughout it. But in the end, I feel like I am working towards something for the first time in my life AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD.

So far, my PCA course is going great. I am learning a lot, and my instructor is hilarious, very straight forward, has awesome (frightening) stories and dispenses amazing advice. I've only had a week of class so far and I've already learned crazy amounts. My first test was this afternoon, and I've never had an easier time with a test in my life. I flew through it and there was only one question I even momentarily hesitated on. I guess being genuinely interested and excited helps with the studying. Also - my classmates? Love them. I have so many smoking buddies, and they're all so sweet and nice. You can just tell that we're all going to be a little family by the end of it. Makes me less nervous about the group work, for sure. 

As for my life outside school, I don't have much of one at present. Still volunteering at Planned Parenthood once a week. Still working roughly 26 hours or so a week. Work is oddly a nice rest from school, where I have to be all professional-like and watch my mouth - at work, I can curse up a blue streak and act as silly as I want. I had a fun adventure with friends before the havoc of school got into full swing which was nice - hiding in the park behind my house eating 2 pizzas and 2 garlic fingers in under 10 minutes? We be class acts. It was lovely. 

One great set of tips our instructor has given us so far was about time management - particularly, that saying "no" to people is hard but sometimes you just have to do it if you want to get anything done or have any time to yourself. This is truth. I am the worst person in the world at this, as I feel guilty saying "no" to anybody, but its something I have been trying to start doing already. That, and trying to go to bed early. Lifestyle makeover, much. 'tis a hard thing for a lazy procrastinating girl so set in her ways. 

Tonight: six hours of work, and then coming home to drink beers and watch The Muppets with the boyfriend before wonderful, wonderful sleep. Despite the fact that I will be working for almost 21 hours of it, I am going to try and enjoy this weekend as much as humanly possible.

XO

the adults are coming! the adults are coming!

Monday I am starting my PCA program, and I am nervous. My class is very small, maybe twenty people. Many of them are older than me. Many of them have kids. Many of them seem a bit snobby and uptight, and I don't know how I'll ever be able to relate to them. I'm a weird duck. I have the hardest time connecting to other people, and I wish I didn't. 

Its partly that I'm shy. And its partly that I just don't care about people. I'm too awkward to start a conversation with someone, but as soon as I muster up the courage to do so they start talking about their car payments or bitching about daycare and I regret opening my mouth. I just smile and nod. Just once I'd love to strike up a conversation with somebody random and have them tell me a good story, or something funny. Most people just like having somebody to complain to, complained Sierra Skinner to the digital world. 

Also: I am scared because these people are adults. I am barely an adult. I am very childlike in many ways, and I never realize how naive or inexperienced I am until I get put into a room full of adults. I don't have a car, or a house. I've never had a real job before. I don't have a husband or children. I just move from day to day - cannot relate to anything there. And I find a lot of adults just pity you because you're not "there" in life yet. My sister and her friends still talk to me like a baby sister, because they feel bad that I'm not "there".  And so I shut up like a clam because I feel like a big insignificant baby.

I'm sure it'll be alright though, in the end. I just want to do well in my program, get good placement reviews and rock my way down to Eastern Health. I'm hoping I'll be making the big bucks by this time next year. The thought of $18-20 an hour plus 60 hour weeks and having all kinds of time off makes me drool all over myself, really. If being an adult means having a comfortable wage and a good job, then fuck you Neverland, I'm out of here. Er, well...

Of course, I am terrified of the future. Is this the right path for me? Will I be happy? Will I regret not taking one of the other thousand roads before me, and will it be too late to turn back if I change my mind? Growing up is scary, really. Just gotta take it as it comes, I guess and not worry too much about the who and the how and why and the where of things. Thats what makes people stress out and go crazy. Life is good for now, very good. I shall worry about the bad stuff when it gets here.

For now, I leave you with The New Pornographers, because I cannot stop listening to them ever.

XO

look closer

Dave and I are the silliest little science kids ever. While he leans moreso towards dealings with chemistry and electricity I am - as you well know - all about the life sciences. I heart biology and medicine. I like the way giant latin names sound rolling around on my tongue. I like looking at plants, or body parts, or anything and being able to dissect them with my eyes - knowing what each part is by name and what its function is. Its a joy. A sweet, nerdy joy.

So I pretty much turned into a squealy schoolgirl when I came home from work the other night and found this beauty sitting on my coffeetable, with a very enthusiastic "EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT!" written on top of its packaging: 

(Picture not taken by myself, of course.) Okay, so its from 1993. Parts were missing from the kit, and it only goes up to 80X magnification but STILL. I love looking at things under a microscope, but it always hurts my eyes after awhile - now it doesn't have to! I can just look at a screen! The microscopic world is so fascinating. Its just incredible seeing the individual building blocks that make up life. Being able to see things on a cellular level is such a different experience. Whenever I used to look through microscopes in bio lab, I'd always look up  from whatever I was staring at avidly and have a moment of surprise when everything just looked stationary and concrete.

To show the beauty of magnification:

  

A rose.

Rose petal cells. Do they not look like an abstract painting? 

So my goal for this little present is pretty much just to get the most enjoyment I can possible get from it. I'm going to be making slides of pretty much anything, so watch out for your hair and fingernails, friends. Everything is prey to the MICROSCOPE. The whole world shall be going on my slides. Also, I might get into doing some drawings again too - trying to follow the exact rules of specimen drawing, of course, which I forget. I wish I hadn't tossed out my old lab manuals. Sigh.

XO

protège moi

I've noticed that lately, my musical choices have been extremely nostalgic ones. I've been drifting back to bands and songs I listened to in high school, and its like stepping into a time machine, and its all just beautiful images without all the weight and tired trembling.

Its amazing how much emotion and memory music can evoke. The way lilac bushes smelt on a particular damp morning - walking home alone in red heels on a summer morning - the sound of the ocean surging, just as the sky is starting to wake up. I just close my eyes and I'm there, in tiny pictures between the notes of songs. Music is really the best way to climb into the past. Music sort of plants its roots in me most when I'm on a walk, on a mission, alone with my thoughts, so many of my best musical memories concern walking - to something, away from something, smiling, in tears, just walking for the sake of it, walking because I'm too drunk to go home just yet. 

Everything changes, doesn't it? I wonder what my soundtrack for this particular year of my life will be. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

XO