from the back of my head

Since I have neither the energy or the cognitive ability to write a real post, here are just some tidbits from my thought process from the last few weeks. I've been so busy that my greatest joy is just having five minutes to sit down and shut my brain off... I now understand how my cell phone must feel some days.

1. Educationally, I still have quite a path to follow. I'm going to be finished my PCA program in exactly 48 possibly delightful, probably exhausting hours from now. From there, it goes: PCA < LPN < BN... MD? We shall see where life leads me. Goddamn, would I ever love to be a doctor. I admire the level of knowledge doctors have, as well as the responsibility that goes with the role. And yes, I understand that it requires about a thousand years of school, a lot of sacrifice, money and stress. Especially the stress. After the last two months, I feel as though theres nothing I can't do. I'M INVINCIBLE.

But really, my work term has taught me a lot of really valuable things. I am going to be a great PCA, but I yearn for something a little more. I intend to climb to the top of the health care ladder, wherever that ladder may end for me.

2. Sometimes, I feel like my boyfriend can read my mind. More than you'd think. It scares me sometimes.

3. I miss reading. And writing.

4. I long for the time to actually work on real artistic projects (as moaned about in my previous entry.)

5. People make me want to burrow into the ground.

6. Bread is amazing and I want to bake some homemade bread again real soon. Sarah, care to cross a goal off your birthday list from last year? I know your new list has begun, but its never too late.

7. Its strange to me that the most important words in my life used to be big, beautiful words like "empyrean", "verisimilitude", "azure", "voluptuous", "velvet"... lush, artistic words that softly massaged the senses and hinted at some big, dreamlike thing.

Now the most important words in my life are shortened little stencil like things... V/S, qid, DNR, bip, MRSA, adb... medical abbreviations, mostly. Though I have found a lot of beauty in medical terms as well. I like big long latin names,  particularly the ones for pathogens and diseases. Words like aphasia, dyspnea, cognition, etc... these all appeal to my word-loving nature.

8. Things that most people find moving or tragic have no affect on me. I find sometimes when people tell me sad stories, I have to fake my reaction. And I don't mean things like "I got a 50% on my last exam", I mean things like "I saw this story on the news about an entire family getting killed in a plane crash". I've never understood why. Maybe its because very little surprises me anymore.

9. I'm worried that in 10 years from now, I will be an orphan. Maybe less.

10. Sometimes, I try to summon up a postcard-perfect glimpse of my life in five years from now, and I just can't do it. When people talk about the future I sort of shut down because I can't get that far ahead. I can't dream because I'm scared of the disappointment involved with dreaming. Also, I feel like my life is on such an unpredictable course right now that theres no telling where I'll end up. I don't even know what, ideally, I'd want my life to be like in 10 years. I really don't.

And that is all for tonight folks. Where is everybody's head at these days? Is it in the fog, in the clouds? Is it hiding behind the sun? Is it asleep or loud or troubled or moonlit?



XO

stuck in the middle

The other day I was cleaning my perpetually messy bedroom, when I found my tiny tower of history stacked lonely in a dark corner, collecting dust. My precious notebooks. They date back to 2003, and I have dozens in different shapes, sizes, colors, materials. Each is filled with messy, tangled masses of beautiful words, thoughts, images. They exude a certain confidence that I didn't know at the time that I possessed. Reading them again I was shocked,  moved and naturally a little embarrassed (revisiting your mind at 15 is always a painful experience). I could write. I was confident that I could write. I knew my thoughts, they had patterns.  I seemed to know these patterns like maps. I was constantly inspired & moved by things, even the darkest aspects of life.

At the top of this pile, there are five notebooks. Each one is blank. Underneath this quintet of empty vessels, there is a diary that I began in 2010 and ended around this time last year. And it might as well have been written last week. My thoughts are the same - indecisive, apathetic, angry. I haven't changed a bit. My train of thought is identical. I was talking about doing things that I still haven't done yet. And still talk about doing. I don't mean big dreams like visiting Hawaii in the summertime. I mean simple achievable things like "I want to reorganize my closet and find a better job and take up cooking".

My whole life, I've been giving up on things. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've given up on everything I've ever tried. Either that, or just talktalktalked about doing something and never tried it at all. Exhibit A - notice the infrequency of my blogging, compared to the fair level of consistency it once had. I don't know why I do it, really. I adopt things for a few weeks, sometimes months, and then just slump back into being a ghost. This applies to both activities and hobbies. I bought running shoes swearing to myself that I would start jogging. I said I was going to learn Swedish. I've finished one painting in the last two years. I never study. I never write, the exception being the only two thoughts I've had for the last three years apparently: "I WANT TO BE A NURSE AND MY BRAIN IS EMPTY". The fact that I still have a job & have great marks in school absolutely astounds me. I get tired of listening to myself saying things like "I had this great idea!" or "I want to..." because I know its bullshit.

For years I've been trying to figure out what my problem is. Its been suggested that I just don't care. In remembering that in my youth I used to care about things far too much, this almost makes sense in a way - a sort of defense mechanism against disappointment, perhaps? I feel like I care a great deal about a lot of things, but maybe I'm just lying to myself. At the same time though, is it really possible to care about nothing? Or have I just changed into someone I don't want to be and I can't accept that?

I long for confidence. I long for the drive to do things, to feel satisfied about doing them. I long to stick to things when I make up my mind to do them. I long for the ability to make decisions, to argue, to know that I'm making the right decision. I long to be present, to be somebody, to be remembered. I honestly feel like a ghost and I can't live with it. But how do I fulfill these longings?

Is this just part of growing up, or is something wrong with me?

XO

stare into the sun

I am still among the land of the living, to those that have been curious. I also now have the internet, which means my life has leveled up! I am making a return to blogging as of now, though I'm not quite sure what sort of direction I want to take my blog in now. I'd like to do start doing more artistic, crafty things. I have a scanner now, so I guess thats another point on my technology card (and a cellphone? are you kidding me?) We shall see how events unfold! 

The last few months, I have been struggling. My life has been nothing but school work school work school work. Doing the exact same thing everyday for months on end wears on the spirit. In addition to this, my mother is sick. I am missing all my friends who have flown off to the edges of the world like crazy. I even miss my friends that live in town that I rarely see. 

And winter is cold and white and lonely. This time of year, my brain dies and shrivels to dust. It will bloom again when the flowers do. Its the hardest thing of all to deal with, simply because its like a magnifying glass for all the other awful things that are happening in my life. If I wasn't doomed to spend 5 months of every year being depressed and cynical and angry I might be able to cope with all the other stuff life tosses my way a bit better. 

Anyways, that is all for now friends. Just wanted to say I am here, I am alive. And there will be more words soon. Always more words.

XO

the adults are coming! the adults are coming!

Monday I am starting my PCA program, and I am nervous. My class is very small, maybe twenty people. Many of them are older than me. Many of them have kids. Many of them seem a bit snobby and uptight, and I don't know how I'll ever be able to relate to them. I'm a weird duck. I have the hardest time connecting to other people, and I wish I didn't. 

Its partly that I'm shy. And its partly that I just don't care about people. I'm too awkward to start a conversation with someone, but as soon as I muster up the courage to do so they start talking about their car payments or bitching about daycare and I regret opening my mouth. I just smile and nod. Just once I'd love to strike up a conversation with somebody random and have them tell me a good story, or something funny. Most people just like having somebody to complain to, complained Sierra Skinner to the digital world. 

Also: I am scared because these people are adults. I am barely an adult. I am very childlike in many ways, and I never realize how naive or inexperienced I am until I get put into a room full of adults. I don't have a car, or a house. I've never had a real job before. I don't have a husband or children. I just move from day to day - cannot relate to anything there. And I find a lot of adults just pity you because you're not "there" in life yet. My sister and her friends still talk to me like a baby sister, because they feel bad that I'm not "there".  And so I shut up like a clam because I feel like a big insignificant baby.

I'm sure it'll be alright though, in the end. I just want to do well in my program, get good placement reviews and rock my way down to Eastern Health. I'm hoping I'll be making the big bucks by this time next year. The thought of $18-20 an hour plus 60 hour weeks and having all kinds of time off makes me drool all over myself, really. If being an adult means having a comfortable wage and a good job, then fuck you Neverland, I'm out of here. Er, well...

Of course, I am terrified of the future. Is this the right path for me? Will I be happy? Will I regret not taking one of the other thousand roads before me, and will it be too late to turn back if I change my mind? Growing up is scary, really. Just gotta take it as it comes, I guess and not worry too much about the who and the how and why and the where of things. Thats what makes people stress out and go crazy. Life is good for now, very good. I shall worry about the bad stuff when it gets here.

For now, I leave you with The New Pornographers, because I cannot stop listening to them ever.

XO

protège moi

I've noticed that lately, my musical choices have been extremely nostalgic ones. I've been drifting back to bands and songs I listened to in high school, and its like stepping into a time machine, and its all just beautiful images without all the weight and tired trembling.

Its amazing how much emotion and memory music can evoke. The way lilac bushes smelt on a particular damp morning - walking home alone in red heels on a summer morning - the sound of the ocean surging, just as the sky is starting to wake up. I just close my eyes and I'm there, in tiny pictures between the notes of songs. Music is really the best way to climb into the past. Music sort of plants its roots in me most when I'm on a walk, on a mission, alone with my thoughts, so many of my best musical memories concern walking - to something, away from something, smiling, in tears, just walking for the sake of it, walking because I'm too drunk to go home just yet. 

Everything changes, doesn't it? I wonder what my soundtrack for this particular year of my life will be. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

XO

skin and bones

I barely feel like I'm in school anymore! Well, as of yesterday I'm not I guess. But despite the fact that I had an incredibly lazy academic summer post-intersession, I still have that stupid stressful school ache at the back of my head. You all know the one. So its exciting to know that I have a bit more time to myself.

I need novels to read. And good ones. People, please make suggestions! <3

Since I made my lovely book purchases yesterday, I've more or less decided that a scientific reading binge is in order again - I go on one every so often. So I will probably be reading (and re-reading) some of the classic ones I have lying around: my new acquisitions "Gray's Anatomy" and "College Zoology", as well as "The Third Chimpanzee" by Jared Diamond, and I've also had a copy of "The Origin of Species" by Charles Darwin forever and haven't started it yet. When did I become so illiterate? I started re-reading "Last Chance to See" by Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine today and I am dying, really. Its one of the funniest books in existence, and also one of the most interesting. Douglas Adams was so cool, sigh. If you like his "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" books you'd pretty much fall in love with this: think the exact same kind of humor, but him trekking through the jungle with people and having no idea what's going on and looking for komodo dragons and fat birds and things. So wonderous.

Other books I have a hankering to read:

... its better if you just don't question it. I am really sad about this summer, I feel like its senseless to even keep hoping for consistently nice weather, so I guess I have to enjoy the rain before the snow comes? Damn you, Newfoundland. I am going to make the rest of it count just as much as it would if it were 30 degrees everyday and all my friends just wanted to hit the beach and get ice cream every waking moment of their lives. I'll just do it with sweaters and jackets and good books and hot drinks instead.

XO

its always better when we're together

Its a hard time in life. Dave has taken to calling me Eeyore, because all week I've been making suggestions to myself that are either peppy or practical or what have you, then following them by a very unenthusiastic "but what's the goddamn point". Yesterday sort of showed me that there is in fact a point. 

I was in a sad little mood, and my lovely Sarah and I went down to a duck pond with ice cream and chicken fingers. We talked about life over a million cigarettes, while the sky painted pictures with clouds for us and old people held hands. We watched a true display of friendship when a guy fearlessly jumped into the scuzzy pond to rescue his friend's dog. We got crafty together on a park bench, and eventually our sighs of anguish and frustration turned into silly smiles and laughter. Afterwards we went to bulk barn and I giggled at my boyfriend's enthusiasm for peanut butter and lentils. Later that night, I got to hug a friend I haven't seen in months and tell her stories, surprised that my life hasn't stopped completely and I actually have stories to tell. I have a life. Stuff happens in it. Some of those things are wonderful. 

My point here being that I have been reminded of my own personal mantra - that life is a cycle, and where there is good bad will follow, and where there is bad good will follow. Its been one of the hardest summers of my life, I've lost so many beautiful things. I've been stressed. I've been poor. I've questioned and cursed and been furious. But where there is darkness, there is light. I'm just grateful for the people I really care about now and all the things that make me happy. Life will get become incredible again in little baby steps, as it always does. Its already happening. And even despite the badness, I can still honestly say that I am happy, and that I am grateful.

So, in keeping with this trend of happiness, I'd like to make a list of the things that are making me happiest now, and are more or less sustaining my life force. Here goes!

1. Memories.
2. Big, green leaves catching the sunlight everytime I walk out my front door.
3. Good cups of tea, like earl gray and the lemongrass matte I bought yesterday! Its heaven for my aching throat.
4. GIANT BAG OF MINESTRONE. Also from my Bulk Barn adventure. I love soup, and minestrone is my favorite, so I am a happy girl at present.
5. Battlestar Galactica times with Allan. I'm a sucker for a good sci-fi series, and as we're drawing to the show's end my breath is taken away more and more by the utter brilliance of the writers, the actors, the composers. Its incredible in every way.
6. Writing. I've been writing lots of poetry lately, and it is making certain parts of my heart feel at peace with other parts.
7. My beautiful friends, who are always there for me no matter what.
8. My job, which may sound funny, but its so nice to be making money again and have a place where I can shut off my brain completely! Its a blessing sometimes.
9. I am warm all the time.
10. Listening to '90s music.
11. Reading Kurt Vonnegut novels.
12. Clean, wonderful smelling laundry.
13. Fruit.
14. Dreaming about the future.
15. Painting and drawing again.
16. My boyfriend's silly dances.

Not anything particularly extraordinary, but its the little things, you know?


XO

the swedish princess

Three years ago, this message appeared in my Facebook indox. I didn't realize it then, but this was one of the most important pieces of internet correspondence I'd ever receive. What began as a small voyage across Canada for the sake of poetry and meeting some very special people turned into some the most amazing years. I'll never forget when Amkiram arrived at my door, on one foggy St. John's morning. She leapt straight into my arms and we had the longest, squealiest hug that two people who've never met face to face before have ever shared. I knew immediately that she was a beautiful soul. 

I've never known anybody so incredible before. She is stunningly beautiful. Friendly, warm, intelligent, talented. I've never seen her fail at anything, and she never quits. She's determined, fierce. She is the kindest, most loving person I've ever met. She's the most understanding person I've ever met. She sees beauty in everything. She's the kind of person whose smile alone makes you feel like you are a good person, you are beautiful, and that you are loved.

She came about at a time in my life when I needed to feel those things, and I don't think I'd be such a positive and optimistic person today if it weren't for her. And I think that if Amki had never come here my life would be entirely different. I'm certainly grateful that she did. Today when I said goodbye to her, I thanked her. Because what she brought into my life was the most beautiful, precious gift I've ever received. She gave me myself. She gave me light. She gave me one of the most beautiful friendships I've ever had, and I hope that it will endure until we're old ladies.

I know she's going to do amazing in university, that her life in Sweden will be wonderful and beautiful. I have a million amazing memories of her that nothing can ever take away from me. I just wish we had more time, there are so many things we never got a chance to do. But I know we haven't seen the last of each other - our paths will cross again.

Like I said. This isn't the end, its just the beginning.

I love you.

XO

people are just people like you

We are defined by our relationships to people. For good or bad, our lives will always revolve heavily around the people in them, no matter how hard we try to create our own separate orbit. Even if your friends are being fuck ups and you lock yourself away (which happens to everybody at some point), there are still the people you work with. The people you buy your cigarettes from. The people you either smile or glare at on the streets. The people who sit next to you in class. No matter where you go, you are going to encounter people, and they are going to have an impact on you and your day, no matter how small an impact it may be. 

In remembering this, I compiled this little guide to dealing with human beings and trying to keep a level head while doing so. Inspired by guru Dave, the stress of human relationships, and the sunny bubble I've created around myself (its the only way I can deal with life). 

SIERRA'S GUIDE TO HUMANS

1. When people are frustrating you, remember its sometimes better to back into the shadows and let the situation resolve itself. While confrontation is often a good thing, sometimes it does more harm than good. 

2. Imagine how the other person is feeling and try to meet them in the middle. 

3. Always keep a positive attitude. Life is multi-faceted, like a diamond - and sometimes there is blackness, sometimes there are rainbows. You have to turn it over and keep looking to see the whole situation sometimes - and there might be more bright spots than you think.

4. Take solace in your own company. Sometimes this is necessary to fully appreciate your place in the world. Sometimes this even allows you to appreciate the qualities other people possess that make them special. Like when you're home alone and you can't reach the crackers on the top shelf!

5. You are not a safety net. If people mistake you for one, set them straight. Though its definitely okay to be one sometimes.

6. Remember that there is good in everyone, and every human being has the capacity to do something wonderful and beautiful. Try not to take everything at face value. 

7. You can observe the tiger pit, you can comment on it, but if you don't have any reason to be in the tiger pit yourself its best to stay out of it. If you feel like you want to, you're free to stick around to help dress the wounds.

8. Try to make the best of every situation. If people are pissing you off, channel that negative energy into something productive! Being angry gets you nowhere but more angry. Draw a picture, make a delicious meal, go for a run, clean your house... all these things help when you're feeling overwhelmed.

9. Assumptions are bad. If you don't hear the full story straight from the bard's mouth, don't jump to conclusions. It makes things ever so much worse.

10. And finally, a quote that I mentioned in a previous post (which I think everybody should swear by): Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. If you threw all your problems in a pile and saw the problems of others, you'd be snatching your problems back as fast as humanly possible.  

Thats all, folks! I hope some of you find this insightful, at least. Just remember - where there is sadness, happiness is just around the corner! We live in a giant wheel, and it keeps turning.

XO

future blues

Too much thinking about the future lately! And I thought living in the past was a scary thing, at least I know what happened and wasn't left chewing my fingernails in anxious speculation. 

Life is changing greatly - people are breaking up, moving away, getting jobs, graduating... its SCARY, thats what it is. I like to think that moving forward and growing up is a positive thing, but when I really think about what that means I break out in cold sweats. Sure, the idea of people moving away and getting houses and jobs and babies and husbands/wives is a sweet little idea, but. Those are the first steps to crazy mortgage debt, divorces, people dying, diseases, old age, etc. I want everybody I know to have a fairytale life, where they live happily ever after and die of old age in their beds, but oh wait - this is real life.

I don't WANT to grow up, can we all just please stay 20 and beautiful and carefree forever? When I think about getting divorced, my hair turning gray, my skin wrinkling, my parents dying... ahhh. Stop it, life. This is why living in the present is a beautiful thing, you can just take it as it comes and worry about things when you get there. I don't want to keep checking a map, I just wanna watch the trees blur past me on the highway until I get there. Can I please? 

I've ripped out my hair enough this post, I think! I know you're all just as scared as me, so I shall let Mr. Waits finish wailing on my behalf. Positive thoughts, people.

XO

whose side are you on?

In this post, I'd like to do something I rarely do and indulge my dorky fascination with the human body and medicine. Over the past few weeks I've been overindulging in House and dreaming about being a nurse, and through both pastimes I've become reacquainted with various medical subjects that I find fascinating. The one I'd like to talk about today is corpus callosotomy, which is a fancy term for "split-brain surgery".

The human brain is the most sophisticated and advanced thing on the planet, and is very under appreciated. Scientifically, we haven't even begun to understand everything its capable of. Fuck iPhones, your brain is SO much cooler. Its composed of a variety of parts like a big squishy puzzle, and like a puzzle, some of the parts can be removed without compromising the entire picture. 

Before I launch into what exactly corpus callosotomy is, and what is its purpose, there are a few things I should explain about the human brain. First off, your brain is composed of two hemispheres - the left and right. They are joined in the middle by a structure known as the corpus callosum - its kind of like a bridge between the two hemispheres. While some may think of the brain as operating as a whole, the two hemispheres kind of work on an assembly line basis. Each hemisphere processes and sends out different signals, and they send these signals back and forth between each other, enabling you to go about your daily thoughts and functions.

And thats more or less the division there! And what may seem even more surprising is the fact that when you see something say with your left eye, the information is sent to the right side of your brain, and vice versa. And the same thing with your hands. The corpus callosum allows the communication of acquired information between the two hemispheres of your brain. Like when you see a word, and you immediately visualize that word in your head - thats a direct result of the two sides of your brain working together!

Now, corpus callosotomy itself involves the complete  or partial severing of the corpus callosum. Which may sound barbaric and on par with a lobotomy, but its actually very beneficial to some patients. The most typical circumstance for this surgery is when the patient is suffering from epilepsy (may seem extreme, but let me tell you, seizures are not fun!), and is usually only used as a last resort. Since, as I mentioned previously, the corpus callosum is the "bridge" between the two brain hemispheres, communication between them ceases or is extremely minimal after the operation. Memory, control, and attention span are affected after the operation, but one can lead a relatively normal life after the corpus callosum is severed.

And the interesting part - after the surgery, if a split-brain patient is shown an image in their left visual field, they won't be able to name the image that they're seeing, since the mechanisms for speech association are located in the left brain hemisphere - but they can draw a picture of it! But only with their left hand, since that hand is controlled by the right side of the brain. (Right controls left, left controls right).

Thats all, friends! Perhaps soon I'll make another both about fun medical things, and hope that people find it as neat as I do (but probably not, haha).


XO

all families are psychotic

I've been doing a lot of thinking about families lately. Watching "The Royal Tenenbaums" for the 1000th time (such a lovely film) and reading Douglas Coupland will do that to you, I guess. Also, I find when people outside my intimate circle ask me questions about my family I don't really know how to respond. All my best friends know all the juicy details about my family already and think they're a laugh, but these are understanding people I've known for years. I don't want to sugarcoat my family's craziness, but nor do I want to launch into detailed explanations. Its a tough call.

But maybe everybody sugarcoats their family when they talk about them. My sister's upcoming baby and our family tree branching off has made me think a lot about this lately - what the hell is that boy going to think of us? Who is he going to be within the grand crooked circle of Skinners? Is he going to inherit anything scary from us, either mentally or physically? I bless him with brown hair and blue eyes and a long, healthy, happy life. 

I also don't really understand anybody that has a close relationship with their family. I have friends that rush off to call their mums and pops 3 times a day and I find myself baffled by this. The only time I ever talk to my parents is if something is wrong or I need money or my brother is off his rocker again. I see them twice a year, and while I get occasional pangs of longing to sit around and chain smoke and curse up a blue streak over the latest episode of "American Idol", it passes pretty quickly. Don't get me wrong, my family is close in a way, but I more or less think of them as really good friends I'm not that close to anymore that enjoy supporting me financially sometimes. We definitely have the best of times when we're together.

I want to have my own family someday, and all these things worry me. I don't want to have an estranged daughter, or never hear from my children, and have them walking about saying "my mom is seriously fucked up" to their friends five times a day. I guess the only way to prevent this is to just NOT REPRODUCE. 

XO

are you nobody, too?

I've never lived in the present at all before the last few years of my life. Before that I was always dwelling on the past, or some imaginary world I created for myself (what can I say, I was incredibly lonely until high school). Since I've grown up I've found myself incredibly grounded in the present, and in reality for the first time. Its given me many things I never knew I could possess, like self-confidence, strength, happiness and a real sense of purpose in life - but I feel like it took away a lot of things from me that I still miss. 

 I used to write. I used to write a lot. I have notebooks sitting around from high school that are filled with 15 page rants written in a single sitting while chainsmoking and sipping green tea. I can't do that anymore, and I wish I could.

Most people feel embarrassed by their past writing, and I am naturally extremely embarrassed by my very early poetry from the age of 12 to about 15 or so. But some of the pieces I wrote from the ages of 16 to 19 give me little chills and make me miss being able to think like that, let alone write like that. Its like as soon as I hit the age of 20 some sort of switch flipped inside my head and I became a different person. 

I guess I just miss that feeling of stuff mattering on such a deep level. I don't really feel that anymore about anything, I get bored so easily. When I was younger I used to have this special connection to my jewelry and clothes and felt like some objects were absolutely sacred. I don't feel that anymore. Things are just things, people are just people. Life is just life. Sigh. 

XO

a girl & a boy.

 (This video is a bit odd, but I think its incredibly beautiful and the song makes my heart explode more or less everytime I hear it... which is about a 100 times a year for the last 6 or 7 years.)

This past week has been pretty lovely. I got myself a job! At Marie's Mini Mart. I get to wear khaki pants and a dorky little paisley scarf and sell cigarettes and bologna. Doesn't get any better than that. Oh, maybe it does... I got a fucking 70% in chemistry, which made me woop for joy and dance a bit. All the sweat and tears paid off, I suppose.

This Friday I got to celebrate my wonderful country's 144th birthday with all my best friends, on Mullock Street's very pimped out back deck. There was lots of wine floating around and weiners and Amki made this homemade potato salad (WITH HOMEMADE MAYO) that pretty much killed me. We all hung out on the street to watch the fireworks and oooh-ed and awww-ed quite a bit. It was fun. I got home at about 5am, when it was broad daylight out. Can't complain. I spent the night in a minimal drunken state around a blazing firepit with three of my very favorite people in the world, so seeing the sun come up wasn't so terrible a thing. I felt so warm and sleepy and happy and went to bed smiling, I assure you.

July 1st was also special because it was myself and the boyfriend's 7th anniversary. After 7 years I guess its not a big deal, but everytime it rolls around I'm filled with warm happy feelings and delightful memories and so much gratefulness and love. I got him Matthew Good's new CD (which was totally also a present for me... we listened to it on repeat all morning) and he bought me lunch and beers and we wandered in the sunshine. There was an old man on a balcony on the 2nd floor of the Yellowbelly playing folk songs on the accordion and singing, and all the old folks on the Trapper John's deck were wooing and singing along. It was a magical sight to behold.

So yes, I've had quite the lovely weekend. There really isn't anything like surrounding yourself with beautiful friends and love - AND SUNSHINE. The sun finally came back, and my back is a lovely tinge of scarlet just to prove it, and I am wearing my sunburn proudly. Who knows when I'll get another.

For the thousandth time... I am really so grateful and happy, always. My life feels so spot on of late, and I can't find a single thing to complain about really. A job, school, good grades, a beautiful boyfriend, the greatest friends a girl could ask for, sunshine... really, what else could I want? Maybe to win the lottery, but I don't want to jinx anything.

XO

strange history

Oh, friends! Oh! It is so very lovely to be back in this wonderful seaside city. Don't get me wrong, I adored being in Stephenville, and I had a little cry after my dad dropped me off at the airport (made worse because I was clutching my newly acquired Fozzie Bear stuffy, so I probably did look like a big baby), but being back here makes me feel really, really HOME. 

I had some brief and wonderful visits with good friends yesterday, and spent the evening snuggling and giggling with Dave, and had the best sleep of my life. I woke up bright and early, without a stuffy nose or puppies crawling on my face, so I feel very happy indeed. Now its coffee and a grilled cheese sandwich before I start my Russian History class! Excitement! 

Also, this evening I have a job interview with Marie's Mini Mart. The lady there sounds incredibly sweet and awesome, and I can't believe she actually waited until I got back from a 5 day vacation to interview me. I hope this means she'll give me a job! My fingers are crossed. Tomorrow, I'll be getting my jazz finished up for my Eastern College application, so I am hoping by Thursday morning that I'll more or less have the rest of my year figured out. Its a comforting change.

I have this strange and terrible habit of going back in time when I'm in Stephenville. Mine and Dave's anniversary is coming up in a few days (7 years, what the fuck), and I was thinking back on our relationship and found myself perusing Gmail for hours and reading the 100+ emails (which, by the way, isn't even an exaggeration) we sent each during our hopefully last 6-7 month breakup. And you know what? It wasn't even depressing. It didn't make me angry. It just filled me with gratitude and hope and reminded me of how intensely loved I am. Some of them were hilarious, others were like tender lovesick poems. We are the strangest people. I feel very lucky, though.

Now, I am off to shower, friends! I wish you all a good day, and I hope I see all of you soon. And also, now that I am bathing suit equipped I'd really love a pool date soon if anybody would love it. Let me know!

XO

hello, mister sunshine

Today I woke up, and actually gasped when I saw the sun glaring through the trees outside my door. Its the most beautiful day ever, and I am so grateful - its the weekend, I have no work to do this weekend (aside from a philosophy discussion post, but that'll take me all of 10 minutes, and obligatory studying) and I'm out of class at 1pm today! Could I be any happier? Doubtful. Sunshine always puts me in the grandest of moods. After my exam, Allan and I are going to get ice cream and sit in the sunshine. PERFECT.

I found this really neat little site, called The Burning House. People post pictures and lists of things they would take if their house were to catch on fire, and some of the pictures are beautiful and the objects so interesting. Makes you wonder why these things are so important to them, what's the story behind them.

What would you take in the event of a fire? I would probably grab:

- my favorite jewelry, namely my Swedish pearls, my mom's engagement ring, and my necklace from Tiffany's.

- all my notebooks from over the years, they're a part of me and I could never let them go.

- my leopard print hatbox and my beautiful vintage hat that my cousin Patrick gave me - it used to belong to a wife of a former mayor of St. John's back in the day.

- my dip pen that Dave gave me for my 20th birthday.

- my laptop.

- three of my favorite books. I don't even know what those would be right now, I guess I'd have to actually risk losing them to really find out! 

- and of course, Dave himself. I'd probably let everything else on the list burn if it meant saving him, because he's pretty and I like him.



Now its exam time, kids. Wish me luck!

XO