i was the lead in the orphan choir.

I cannot stop listening to Massive Attack's latest album, Heligoland. My dear Sarah introduced me to the beautiful track "Paraside Circus" and ever since I've been all over the awesomeness of it; I love the variety of different, rich, beautiful vocals they used. Its very different from Mezzanine, I feel, but still oh so lovely. 

I am at school today, trying to study before rehearsal times for my cousin Patrick's short piece (he's doing a directing course, and I have volunteered my services). Studying is so hard, I can never force myself to concentrate long enough, or I get super distracted by random things like hilarious websites or Facebook. One of the best parts of not having internet at my house, usually, is the fact that I can avoid this, but I usually get distracted by other things like TV shows and books I've watched/read a thousand times and still can't get enough of. 

I'm not sure how I feel this week. Weird, for surely. Its been a wonderful midterm break, though thoroughly unproductive. I scarcely opened a book or glanced at a page of notes the whole five days I was off, and I feel like a huge loser because of it. School unnerves me to a crazy extent, and yet I do nothing to fix things for myself. Its stupid. I have another midterm coming up in a week and I have the bejesus scared out of me, frankly. I also have an essay due in a week and an assignment next week and a zillion other things I will probably continue to procrastinate on. Thats just what I do, really. 

I don't know what else to say, really. Had my last midterm (from the official first round of midterms) today and boy was it a breeze. I was terrified, but 40/75 multiple choice is the greatest thing ever to find on a test, and my prof's multiple choice are always easy, considering its a 2000 level science course. Most profs like to give you five answers that sound identical, but not this guy, thank god.

I can't think of anything else to say. I want to find a copy of "Collapse" by Jared Diamond this week, a popular science writer I love; its about how civilizations and what determines whether they will succeed or fail and what will be the probable fate of our current civilization. Sounds exciting.




XO

 

there are no words for what i'm feeling.

I had a pretty terrible Valentine's day, all things considered. I spent most of the day at school by myself, or curled up on my couch with my head poked into a psychology book trying not to run out of my house screaming. Its a long story, and mostly has to do with me being indecisive and insecure. Another time.

Then I got a phone call that turned my mood around entirely. It turns out my older sister, Sabrina, is pregnant! Not only that, shes also engaged! I am pretty much bursting at the seams with joy. This is both the first wedding and the first birth to occur amongst my immediate family, and to receive news of both within 24 hours is almost too much for me. Her fiancee is so sweet and kindhearted, I know he's going to take the best care of her ever and be such a good dad, and shes gonna be a wonderful mom.

My family has endured so many hardships over the years, so I sort of feel like our luck has finally turned, at least for now. New additions to our family, new life, new people to love. If I believed in God, I'd say he'd finally decided we'd had enough and decided to throw as much happiness as possible at us within the last year. My parents and siblings are healthy and happy, and now we get to spread so much of that happiness around. I can't wait for their wedding, and I can't wait to hold my new niece or nephew in my arms and speak French to them and buy them Dr. Seuss books and watch them grow up.

Life is fucking beautiful.


XO

somebody to love.

I cannot sleep because The Strombo Show, my preferred Sunday night sleepytimes radio program, is playing a barrage of '80s music that makes me both nauseous and a bit uncomfortable. Though I have to admit, I die for Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield" and "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division. But who doesn't? The rest all sounds like stuff I could hear on K-Rock at any point of the day or night. I think Georgie is having a midlife crisis. Poor Georgie!

In my lack of sleepies I should probably really be studying, but after watching two Psychology lectures, reading three chapters, and reading over two sections of slides for my Modern Biology & Human Society class this evening can't really say I'm too motivated to. I have a quota for how much of my limited attention span can be focused on academics each day, it would seem. Which isn't very long. I wish I could focus more on important things and less on stuff like novels I've already read and Zelda, but what can you do. Thats me and everybody, I guess.

I had a pretty good weekend. Friday the friends and myself headed out to my friend Lora's dad's lovely home in Flat Rock, which is a pretty little town outside St. John's. Most beautiful house in the entire world, it even has a three story greenhouse with all sorts of pretty plants and a loft and the entire house is filled to the brim with sunlight in the morning, its amazingly beautiful. Also, I want to kidnap her pets, they are so lovely. I got painfully drunk and we all ran around like sillies and the next morning hung out in plaid pajamas and ate Pizzaronis and taquitos for breakfast, and looked positively stately, as good friends do the morning after a bash.

Yesterday I ate at the Sprout with my sweetheart and wandered around downtown, spent the rest of my evening chez Empire where Amki and I drooled over gorgeous men in romantic comedies and wished we could whisk ourselves away to Italy for the rest of the winter. If only, the cold here is really starting to get to me. I miss grass, and sunshine. I miss colors and warmth and long days.

Today I woke up so contrary that I had to immediately crawl back into bed and sleep for another five hours or so, in some hope of feeling like a normal human being again. I don't know what's up, I felt like a tired little pile of poop all day. Very angry poop, very sad poop. The idea of being awake and doing anything, even drinking a cup of coffee, made me want to burst into tears. 

Winter does fucked up things to my brain.

XO

pumpkins & apples

Today I had my first Biology laboratory midterm of the semester, and what a good time that was, no sarcasm intended. It was super easy and after I got over the initial shaky nervousness that caused me to fuck up two garlic root tip slides and drench my hands in brown stain I was good to go. The hour passed fairly quickly, and I even got to spend a bit of time with my dear parameciums again. They're little protists that look like slippers and they are cute in a way that only something microscopic can be.

Seeee? Okay, maybe you don't. But they sort of move like aquatic caterpillars and I think its darling. I got to feed them yeast one day and I can't remember the last time I was excited about anything.

So, today I discovered that my great-aunt Hazel is getting a ferry named after her. Why? For being the first post-confederation female MHA in Newfoundland & Labrador. As you can imagine, my family is pretty excited and very proud of her. Shes extremely sick and will never really understand that shes earned this, but I imagine she'd be very happy with the honor if she were well. Everyone in the family is extremely ecstatic on her behalf, at least. I actually never knew she was the first female MHA until today; I knew that she was the mayor of St. George's, where my mom and her family grew up. Very cool. She's a wonderful person.

http://www.thetelegram.com/News/Local/2011-02-08/article-2208462/New-ferries-named-after-political-trailblazers/1

Thats all for today, however. Lots of excitement and good vibes floating around. I'm baking an apple pumpkin pie with homemade crust, and my oven is right behind me and I am pretty much ready to tear it out of the pan and eat the entire thing despite the obvious risks to my health and safety. I suppose I must learn some restraint.

The snow is howling, and I bid thee goodnight.

XO

coin operated.

My weekend passed in a haze of various indulgences, which I was extremely greatly for. I spent my entire weekend drinking & eating & smoking. I didn't open a book, and I spent almost two days away from home which was nice. Not out of town or anything, just at a friend's house on the opposite end of town. In a cat-like state of laziness the entire time, not wanting to wander home in the cold dampness. The narrow street made me feel safe, wrapped up in the whiteness of everything. Sometimes I really need to forget everything in my life and just go off and do whatever I want, and forget about obligations and responsibilities. My entire life is an extremely happy one, but sometimes I need to forget I'm a student, that I have a boyfriend, that I have a house to clean and books to read and friends to stress about and everything else. All of these things make me happy but sometimes I get this weird desire that none of its what I want; but by the time I'm ready to slip back into my day-to-day life I feel so full of want for it it almost pains me. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, or sounds childish, or trashy. I swear its not.

This morning I had to do a reading for my English class. I was stressing about it for ages. We pretty much just had to pick a passage from any book or short story or whatever and read it in front of our class, as part of our participation mark. I chose the beginning of “White Oleander” by Janet Fitch. It wasn't my first choice, but the other books I was considering are on loan to various companions currently (“The Virgin Suicides” by Jeffrey Eugenides & “Lolita” by Vladimir Nabokov.) Or were too sexually depraved to read to a second-level university English class, I feel (“Beautiful Losers” by Leonard Cohen”). I was so nervous my legs were shaking and my voice sort of just rattled around in my throat hoarsely, so I did pretty terribly. I wanted to read it as beautifully as it was written, maybe even make somebody want to read it, but I probably just made people want to pat me on the head sympathetically. At least its done with.

What else is new and exciting in my life? Not much, really. My darling friend Lenore left awhile ago and left a sort of hole in my life that I can only fill with hours of playing the copy of “The Windwaker” she left me on the Gamecube she also left me, and reading good books and admiring her art on my walls.

I haven't been doing much of anything of late, really. I am cold all the time and sad and furious and impatient but I think a lot of that has to do with winter, it usually happens to me every winter. I try to overlook it but I feel like it takes up so much of me that all thats left when I push it aside is cogs and gears. I don't really know what I'm getting at, ever.

This blog still lacks direction, but so do I, so maybe thats fitting. Its just a jumble of words, like I am a jumble of cells. I hope someday it has a more decisive direction, for your sake, whoever you are.

I hope you have a splendid day.

XO