so say we all

Excuse me friends while I have a nerdgasm all over your computer screen! It'll only take a moment, I swear. 

I have so much difficulty putting Battlestar Galactica into words. Allan and I have been watching the series for over two years now I think, and we're one episode away from the series finale. 

Its one of the best shows I've ever seen. It dazzles me what a complex universe they've created in just four seasons. Its about the end of the world, essentially. It all begins when humanoid robots (who, biologically, are entirely human... there are big clunky metal models as well) wipe out most of the human race in a nuclear attack. 50,000 people remain, and are left drifting through space in a fleet of ships. They are looking for a new planet to call home. The show has so many facets to it. It focuses on military strife, the reconstruction of the government, human ethics, worker's rights, the horrors of war. One of the great conflicts on the show is with religion - the humans are polytheists and essentially believe in the Greek gods, while the robots are monotheists and believe there is only one true God. The humans are hunted through space by the robots (who are called cylons), and must escape them at every turn.

I know a lot of people have an aversion to sci-fi but seriously... this show does a better job of portraying human relationships and depicting a believable system of society than a lot of shows I've watched. The show is largely about what it truly means to be human, and poses so many ethical questions. It has made me ponder and question my beliefs so many times. I'm in love with each character. The lady president with terminal breast cancer - the brave admiral of the fleet who treats each of his crew members like his own children - the amazing young pilots, who are totally badass. Even the cylons themselves, who become more and more human as the series progresses. I also admire how they live in a completely equal and gender neutral society - within the military ranks, everybody is called "sir", and the women on the show are just as tough and strong and capable  as any of the male characters, sometimes moreso... way it should be! Sigh, I don't want it to ever end.

Which television series have you all fallen in love with? Did it crush your heart to see them come to an end?

XO

its always better when we're together

Its a hard time in life. Dave has taken to calling me Eeyore, because all week I've been making suggestions to myself that are either peppy or practical or what have you, then following them by a very unenthusiastic "but what's the goddamn point". Yesterday sort of showed me that there is in fact a point. 

I was in a sad little mood, and my lovely Sarah and I went down to a duck pond with ice cream and chicken fingers. We talked about life over a million cigarettes, while the sky painted pictures with clouds for us and old people held hands. We watched a true display of friendship when a guy fearlessly jumped into the scuzzy pond to rescue his friend's dog. We got crafty together on a park bench, and eventually our sighs of anguish and frustration turned into silly smiles and laughter. Afterwards we went to bulk barn and I giggled at my boyfriend's enthusiasm for peanut butter and lentils. Later that night, I got to hug a friend I haven't seen in months and tell her stories, surprised that my life hasn't stopped completely and I actually have stories to tell. I have a life. Stuff happens in it. Some of those things are wonderful. 

My point here being that I have been reminded of my own personal mantra - that life is a cycle, and where there is good bad will follow, and where there is bad good will follow. Its been one of the hardest summers of my life, I've lost so many beautiful things. I've been stressed. I've been poor. I've questioned and cursed and been furious. But where there is darkness, there is light. I'm just grateful for the people I really care about now and all the things that make me happy. Life will get become incredible again in little baby steps, as it always does. Its already happening. And even despite the badness, I can still honestly say that I am happy, and that I am grateful.

So, in keeping with this trend of happiness, I'd like to make a list of the things that are making me happiest now, and are more or less sustaining my life force. Here goes!

1. Memories.
2. Big, green leaves catching the sunlight everytime I walk out my front door.
3. Good cups of tea, like earl gray and the lemongrass matte I bought yesterday! Its heaven for my aching throat.
4. GIANT BAG OF MINESTRONE. Also from my Bulk Barn adventure. I love soup, and minestrone is my favorite, so I am a happy girl at present.
5. Battlestar Galactica times with Allan. I'm a sucker for a good sci-fi series, and as we're drawing to the show's end my breath is taken away more and more by the utter brilliance of the writers, the actors, the composers. Its incredible in every way.
6. Writing. I've been writing lots of poetry lately, and it is making certain parts of my heart feel at peace with other parts.
7. My beautiful friends, who are always there for me no matter what.
8. My job, which may sound funny, but its so nice to be making money again and have a place where I can shut off my brain completely! Its a blessing sometimes.
9. I am warm all the time.
10. Listening to '90s music.
11. Reading Kurt Vonnegut novels.
12. Clean, wonderful smelling laundry.
13. Fruit.
14. Dreaming about the future.
15. Painting and drawing again.
16. My boyfriend's silly dances.

Not anything particularly extraordinary, but its the little things, you know?


XO

the swedish princess

Three years ago, this message appeared in my Facebook indox. I didn't realize it then, but this was one of the most important pieces of internet correspondence I'd ever receive. What began as a small voyage across Canada for the sake of poetry and meeting some very special people turned into some the most amazing years. I'll never forget when Amkiram arrived at my door, on one foggy St. John's morning. She leapt straight into my arms and we had the longest, squealiest hug that two people who've never met face to face before have ever shared. I knew immediately that she was a beautiful soul. 

I've never known anybody so incredible before. She is stunningly beautiful. Friendly, warm, intelligent, talented. I've never seen her fail at anything, and she never quits. She's determined, fierce. She is the kindest, most loving person I've ever met. She's the most understanding person I've ever met. She sees beauty in everything. She's the kind of person whose smile alone makes you feel like you are a good person, you are beautiful, and that you are loved.

She came about at a time in my life when I needed to feel those things, and I don't think I'd be such a positive and optimistic person today if it weren't for her. And I think that if Amki had never come here my life would be entirely different. I'm certainly grateful that she did. Today when I said goodbye to her, I thanked her. Because what she brought into my life was the most beautiful, precious gift I've ever received. She gave me myself. She gave me light. She gave me one of the most beautiful friendships I've ever had, and I hope that it will endure until we're old ladies.

I know she's going to do amazing in university, that her life in Sweden will be wonderful and beautiful. I have a million amazing memories of her that nothing can ever take away from me. I just wish we had more time, there are so many things we never got a chance to do. But I know we haven't seen the last of each other - our paths will cross again.

Like I said. This isn't the end, its just the beginning.

I love you.

XO

ventricular diastole

Today is a good day so far. I woke up to little kisses and warm coffee, spent the morning studying and drawing weird little pictures, and then wrote my last anthropology exam of the semester, yay! The course doesn't have a final, thank god. It was two essay questions which I wrote very long, incoherent pieces for but like with most essays I'm hoping my good writing and ability to bullshit like a pro wins out. I was kind of rotted because he gave everybody a chance to look over their notes beforehand, which gave people that had notes (not I!) an unfair advantage. Silly summer semester. I shall not miss you. I have 1/3 of my final essays complete, another half done, and the first one has been contemplated. And as for finals - one take home essay assignment thing, and a political science final on August 11th. I guess I really can't complain.

I like biology and anatomy, I like it a lot. So I was pretty delighted when I found THIS website which is full of cute little pieces of anatomically correct jewelry! Like this pretty little heart necklace that I want around my neck immediately.

SO PRETTY! They also have earrings shape like neurons and lots of other fun math and science stuff. Oh, fun jewelry how I adore thee.

In other news, I've started writing and painting lots again and I'm loving every moment of it! I guess its because I've been so bored and thoughtful lately, but whatever the cause I'm glad to be at it again. Its been so very long!

Life is changing. But thats for another post.


XO

people are just people like you

We are defined by our relationships to people. For good or bad, our lives will always revolve heavily around the people in them, no matter how hard we try to create our own separate orbit. Even if your friends are being fuck ups and you lock yourself away (which happens to everybody at some point), there are still the people you work with. The people you buy your cigarettes from. The people you either smile or glare at on the streets. The people who sit next to you in class. No matter where you go, you are going to encounter people, and they are going to have an impact on you and your day, no matter how small an impact it may be. 

In remembering this, I compiled this little guide to dealing with human beings and trying to keep a level head while doing so. Inspired by guru Dave, the stress of human relationships, and the sunny bubble I've created around myself (its the only way I can deal with life). 

SIERRA'S GUIDE TO HUMANS

1. When people are frustrating you, remember its sometimes better to back into the shadows and let the situation resolve itself. While confrontation is often a good thing, sometimes it does more harm than good. 

2. Imagine how the other person is feeling and try to meet them in the middle. 

3. Always keep a positive attitude. Life is multi-faceted, like a diamond - and sometimes there is blackness, sometimes there are rainbows. You have to turn it over and keep looking to see the whole situation sometimes - and there might be more bright spots than you think.

4. Take solace in your own company. Sometimes this is necessary to fully appreciate your place in the world. Sometimes this even allows you to appreciate the qualities other people possess that make them special. Like when you're home alone and you can't reach the crackers on the top shelf!

5. You are not a safety net. If people mistake you for one, set them straight. Though its definitely okay to be one sometimes.

6. Remember that there is good in everyone, and every human being has the capacity to do something wonderful and beautiful. Try not to take everything at face value. 

7. You can observe the tiger pit, you can comment on it, but if you don't have any reason to be in the tiger pit yourself its best to stay out of it. If you feel like you want to, you're free to stick around to help dress the wounds.

8. Try to make the best of every situation. If people are pissing you off, channel that negative energy into something productive! Being angry gets you nowhere but more angry. Draw a picture, make a delicious meal, go for a run, clean your house... all these things help when you're feeling overwhelmed.

9. Assumptions are bad. If you don't hear the full story straight from the bard's mouth, don't jump to conclusions. It makes things ever so much worse.

10. And finally, a quote that I mentioned in a previous post (which I think everybody should swear by): Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. If you threw all your problems in a pile and saw the problems of others, you'd be snatching your problems back as fast as humanly possible.  

Thats all, folks! I hope some of you find this insightful, at least. Just remember - where there is sadness, happiness is just around the corner! We live in a giant wheel, and it keeps turning.

XO

future blues

Too much thinking about the future lately! And I thought living in the past was a scary thing, at least I know what happened and wasn't left chewing my fingernails in anxious speculation. 

Life is changing greatly - people are breaking up, moving away, getting jobs, graduating... its SCARY, thats what it is. I like to think that moving forward and growing up is a positive thing, but when I really think about what that means I break out in cold sweats. Sure, the idea of people moving away and getting houses and jobs and babies and husbands/wives is a sweet little idea, but. Those are the first steps to crazy mortgage debt, divorces, people dying, diseases, old age, etc. I want everybody I know to have a fairytale life, where they live happily ever after and die of old age in their beds, but oh wait - this is real life.

I don't WANT to grow up, can we all just please stay 20 and beautiful and carefree forever? When I think about getting divorced, my hair turning gray, my skin wrinkling, my parents dying... ahhh. Stop it, life. This is why living in the present is a beautiful thing, you can just take it as it comes and worry about things when you get there. I don't want to keep checking a map, I just wanna watch the trees blur past me on the highway until I get there. Can I please? 

I've ripped out my hair enough this post, I think! I know you're all just as scared as me, so I shall let Mr. Waits finish wailing on my behalf. Positive thoughts, people.

XO

whose side are you on?

In this post, I'd like to do something I rarely do and indulge my dorky fascination with the human body and medicine. Over the past few weeks I've been overindulging in House and dreaming about being a nurse, and through both pastimes I've become reacquainted with various medical subjects that I find fascinating. The one I'd like to talk about today is corpus callosotomy, which is a fancy term for "split-brain surgery".

The human brain is the most sophisticated and advanced thing on the planet, and is very under appreciated. Scientifically, we haven't even begun to understand everything its capable of. Fuck iPhones, your brain is SO much cooler. Its composed of a variety of parts like a big squishy puzzle, and like a puzzle, some of the parts can be removed without compromising the entire picture. 

Before I launch into what exactly corpus callosotomy is, and what is its purpose, there are a few things I should explain about the human brain. First off, your brain is composed of two hemispheres - the left and right. They are joined in the middle by a structure known as the corpus callosum - its kind of like a bridge between the two hemispheres. While some may think of the brain as operating as a whole, the two hemispheres kind of work on an assembly line basis. Each hemisphere processes and sends out different signals, and they send these signals back and forth between each other, enabling you to go about your daily thoughts and functions.

And thats more or less the division there! And what may seem even more surprising is the fact that when you see something say with your left eye, the information is sent to the right side of your brain, and vice versa. And the same thing with your hands. The corpus callosum allows the communication of acquired information between the two hemispheres of your brain. Like when you see a word, and you immediately visualize that word in your head - thats a direct result of the two sides of your brain working together!

Now, corpus callosotomy itself involves the complete  or partial severing of the corpus callosum. Which may sound barbaric and on par with a lobotomy, but its actually very beneficial to some patients. The most typical circumstance for this surgery is when the patient is suffering from epilepsy (may seem extreme, but let me tell you, seizures are not fun!), and is usually only used as a last resort. Since, as I mentioned previously, the corpus callosum is the "bridge" between the two brain hemispheres, communication between them ceases or is extremely minimal after the operation. Memory, control, and attention span are affected after the operation, but one can lead a relatively normal life after the corpus callosum is severed.

And the interesting part - after the surgery, if a split-brain patient is shown an image in their left visual field, they won't be able to name the image that they're seeing, since the mechanisms for speech association are located in the left brain hemisphere - but they can draw a picture of it! But only with their left hand, since that hand is controlled by the right side of the brain. (Right controls left, left controls right).

Thats all, friends! Perhaps soon I'll make another both about fun medical things, and hope that people find it as neat as I do (but probably not, haha).


XO

the crimson petal and the white

Allan Ford and I have a special bond over many things - men, books, movies, music, and good television. We like nothing better than to curl up in his bed together for hours and watch amazing television. We laugh, we cry, we criticize, we feel deep embarrassment, we get into intense philosophical and psychological debates. I think a dream come true for us would be getting to direct and write our own series, but alas.

One of our mutual favorite books is "The Crimson Petal and the White" by Michel Faber. Its set in Victorian London, and follows the life of a prostitute named Sugar. She has the distinction of being incredibly articulate and well-read for a woman of her age and class, and when she's not, ahem, "servicing" gentlemen she spends her time composing a novel in which she gets her revenge upon all the men who have violated and wronged her in her life. She yearns to escape to something better. Luckily, she becomes the mistress and obsession of a man who owns a successful perfume and soap company - and leaves her old life behind. But thats just the beginning.

We heard for years that there was talk of making this incredible book into a movie - with Kristen Dunst, of all people, as Sugar. These, so far, have proved  to only be rumors. However, the BBC did a four-part miniseries based on the novel, and let me tell you friends, its an exquisite piece of awesomeness. The actors are superb and its so faithful to the novel in both script and atmosphere. Its one of the most beautiful creations I've ever seen, and exceeded all my expectations for a screen adaptation of the novel.

I beg you, if you have four hours to spare and want something visually pleasing, moving, and well acted to occupy your time, go find it! And read the book - its over 1000 pages long, but its amazing how fast those pages fly. 

XO

all families are psychotic

I've been doing a lot of thinking about families lately. Watching "The Royal Tenenbaums" for the 1000th time (such a lovely film) and reading Douglas Coupland will do that to you, I guess. Also, I find when people outside my intimate circle ask me questions about my family I don't really know how to respond. All my best friends know all the juicy details about my family already and think they're a laugh, but these are understanding people I've known for years. I don't want to sugarcoat my family's craziness, but nor do I want to launch into detailed explanations. Its a tough call.

But maybe everybody sugarcoats their family when they talk about them. My sister's upcoming baby and our family tree branching off has made me think a lot about this lately - what the hell is that boy going to think of us? Who is he going to be within the grand crooked circle of Skinners? Is he going to inherit anything scary from us, either mentally or physically? I bless him with brown hair and blue eyes and a long, healthy, happy life. 

I also don't really understand anybody that has a close relationship with their family. I have friends that rush off to call their mums and pops 3 times a day and I find myself baffled by this. The only time I ever talk to my parents is if something is wrong or I need money or my brother is off his rocker again. I see them twice a year, and while I get occasional pangs of longing to sit around and chain smoke and curse up a blue streak over the latest episode of "American Idol", it passes pretty quickly. Don't get me wrong, my family is close in a way, but I more or less think of them as really good friends I'm not that close to anymore that enjoy supporting me financially sometimes. We definitely have the best of times when we're together.

I want to have my own family someday, and all these things worry me. I don't want to have an estranged daughter, or never hear from my children, and have them walking about saying "my mom is seriously fucked up" to their friends five times a day. I guess the only way to prevent this is to just NOT REPRODUCE. 

XO

are you nobody, too?

I've never lived in the present at all before the last few years of my life. Before that I was always dwelling on the past, or some imaginary world I created for myself (what can I say, I was incredibly lonely until high school). Since I've grown up I've found myself incredibly grounded in the present, and in reality for the first time. Its given me many things I never knew I could possess, like self-confidence, strength, happiness and a real sense of purpose in life - but I feel like it took away a lot of things from me that I still miss. 

 I used to write. I used to write a lot. I have notebooks sitting around from high school that are filled with 15 page rants written in a single sitting while chainsmoking and sipping green tea. I can't do that anymore, and I wish I could.

Most people feel embarrassed by their past writing, and I am naturally extremely embarrassed by my very early poetry from the age of 12 to about 15 or so. But some of the pieces I wrote from the ages of 16 to 19 give me little chills and make me miss being able to think like that, let alone write like that. Its like as soon as I hit the age of 20 some sort of switch flipped inside my head and I became a different person. 

I guess I just miss that feeling of stuff mattering on such a deep level. I don't really feel that anymore about anything, I get bored so easily. When I was younger I used to have this special connection to my jewelry and clothes and felt like some objects were absolutely sacred. I don't feel that anymore. Things are just things, people are just people. Life is just life. Sigh. 

XO

a girl & a boy.

 (This video is a bit odd, but I think its incredibly beautiful and the song makes my heart explode more or less everytime I hear it... which is about a 100 times a year for the last 6 or 7 years.)

This past week has been pretty lovely. I got myself a job! At Marie's Mini Mart. I get to wear khaki pants and a dorky little paisley scarf and sell cigarettes and bologna. Doesn't get any better than that. Oh, maybe it does... I got a fucking 70% in chemistry, which made me woop for joy and dance a bit. All the sweat and tears paid off, I suppose.

This Friday I got to celebrate my wonderful country's 144th birthday with all my best friends, on Mullock Street's very pimped out back deck. There was lots of wine floating around and weiners and Amki made this homemade potato salad (WITH HOMEMADE MAYO) that pretty much killed me. We all hung out on the street to watch the fireworks and oooh-ed and awww-ed quite a bit. It was fun. I got home at about 5am, when it was broad daylight out. Can't complain. I spent the night in a minimal drunken state around a blazing firepit with three of my very favorite people in the world, so seeing the sun come up wasn't so terrible a thing. I felt so warm and sleepy and happy and went to bed smiling, I assure you.

July 1st was also special because it was myself and the boyfriend's 7th anniversary. After 7 years I guess its not a big deal, but everytime it rolls around I'm filled with warm happy feelings and delightful memories and so much gratefulness and love. I got him Matthew Good's new CD (which was totally also a present for me... we listened to it on repeat all morning) and he bought me lunch and beers and we wandered in the sunshine. There was an old man on a balcony on the 2nd floor of the Yellowbelly playing folk songs on the accordion and singing, and all the old folks on the Trapper John's deck were wooing and singing along. It was a magical sight to behold.

So yes, I've had quite the lovely weekend. There really isn't anything like surrounding yourself with beautiful friends and love - AND SUNSHINE. The sun finally came back, and my back is a lovely tinge of scarlet just to prove it, and I am wearing my sunburn proudly. Who knows when I'll get another.

For the thousandth time... I am really so grateful and happy, always. My life feels so spot on of late, and I can't find a single thing to complain about really. A job, school, good grades, a beautiful boyfriend, the greatest friends a girl could ask for, sunshine... really, what else could I want? Maybe to win the lottery, but I don't want to jinx anything.

XO