The other day I was cleaning my perpetually messy bedroom, when I found my tiny tower of history stacked lonely in a dark corner, collecting dust. My precious notebooks. They date back to 2003, and I have dozens in different shapes, sizes, colors, materials. Each is filled with messy, tangled masses of beautiful words, thoughts, images. They exude a certain confidence that I didn't know at the time that I possessed. Reading them again I was shocked, moved and naturally a little embarrassed (revisiting your mind at 15 is always a painful experience). I could write. I was confident that I could write. I knew my thoughts, they had patterns. I seemed to know these patterns like maps. I was constantly inspired & moved by things, even the darkest aspects of life.
At the top of this pile, there are five notebooks. Each one is blank. Underneath this quintet of empty vessels, there is a diary that I began in 2010 and ended around this time last year. And it might as well have been written last week. My thoughts are the same - indecisive, apathetic, angry. I haven't changed a bit. My train of thought is identical. I was talking about doing things that I still haven't done yet. And still talk about doing. I don't mean big dreams like visiting Hawaii in the summertime. I mean simple achievable things like "I want to reorganize my closet and find a better job and take up cooking".
My whole life, I've been giving up on things. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've given up on everything I've ever tried. Either that, or just talktalktalked about doing something and never tried it at all. Exhibit A - notice the infrequency of my blogging, compared to the fair level of consistency it once had. I don't know why I do it, really. I adopt things for a few weeks, sometimes months, and then just slump back into being a ghost. This applies to both activities and hobbies. I bought running shoes swearing to myself that I would start jogging. I said I was going to learn Swedish. I've finished one painting in the last two years. I never study. I never write, the exception being the only two thoughts I've had for the last three years apparently: "I WANT TO BE A NURSE AND MY BRAIN IS EMPTY". The fact that I still have a job & have great marks in school absolutely astounds me. I get tired of listening to myself saying things like "I had this great idea!" or "I want to..." because I know its bullshit.
For years I've been trying to figure out what my problem is. Its been suggested that I just don't care. In remembering that in my youth I used to care about things far too much, this almost makes sense in a way - a sort of defense mechanism against disappointment, perhaps? I feel like I care a great deal about a lot of things, but maybe I'm just lying to myself. At the same time though, is it really possible to care about nothing? Or have I just changed into someone I don't want to be and I can't accept that?
I long for confidence. I long for the drive to do things, to feel satisfied about doing them. I long to stick to things when I make up my mind to do them. I long for the ability to make decisions, to argue, to know that I'm making the right decision. I long to be present, to be somebody, to be remembered. I honestly feel like a ghost and I can't live with it. But how do I fulfill these longings?
I long for confidence. I long for the drive to do things, to feel satisfied about doing them. I long to stick to things when I make up my mind to do them. I long for the ability to make decisions, to argue, to know that I'm making the right decision. I long to be present, to be somebody, to be remembered. I honestly feel like a ghost and I can't live with it. But how do I fulfill these longings?
Is this just part of growing up, or is something wrong with me?
XO
I am exactly the same way. I always have a million projects conceptualized, started, etc, and nothing ever gets done. It's a big part of growing up. When we were fifteen we were trapped in our houses with no responsibilities and endless amounts of free time.
ReplyDeleteNow, you and I both, are working our asses off just to make ourselves a future and make ends meat. At the end of the day, the bit of free time you do have you want to unwind or spend with people you care about because you never get to see them anymore.
But do not lament the loss of these projects. You are working on something much bigger, your future.
For all the people I know who are unemployed or rarely employed and complain about having too much time and being bored, I could choke them, for all the things I could be making or doing with that time. But we're the kind of people who work hard for everything we have, and that's something to be proud of.
Anyways a bit of a tangent. You actually brought up something I've been thinking about myself.
I miss you dear. <3
I love this tangent! It makes me feel so much less alone and so much better about my life. I'm glad it isn't just me, its been plaguing me forever. So many stupid things are taking up such large amounts of space in my brain that I can't even focus on stuff that used to be important. Sigh. Can we go back in time please? So done with this growing up thing. Its the least amount of fun. Haha.
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