I've never lived in the present at all before the last few years of my life. Before that I was always dwelling on the past, or some imaginary world I created for myself (what can I say, I was incredibly lonely until high school). Since I've grown up I've found myself incredibly grounded in the present, and in reality for the first time. Its given me many things I never knew I could possess, like self-confidence, strength, happiness and a real sense of purpose in life - but I feel like it took away a lot of things from me that I still miss.
I used to write. I used to write a lot. I have notebooks sitting around from high school that are filled with 15 page rants written in a single sitting while chainsmoking and sipping green tea. I can't do that anymore, and I wish I could.
Most people feel embarrassed by their past writing, and I am naturally extremely embarrassed by my very early poetry from the age of 12 to about 15 or so. But some of the pieces I wrote from the ages of 16 to 19 give me little chills and make me miss being able to think like that, let alone write like that. Its like as soon as I hit the age of 20 some sort of switch flipped inside my head and I became a different person.
I guess I just miss that feeling of stuff mattering on such a deep level. I don't really feel that anymore about anything, I get bored so easily. When I was younger I used to have this special connection to my jewelry and clothes and felt like some objects were absolutely sacred. I don't feel that anymore. Things are just things, people are just people. Life is just life. Sigh.
XO
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