from the back of my head

Since I have neither the energy or the cognitive ability to write a real post, here are just some tidbits from my thought process from the last few weeks. I've been so busy that my greatest joy is just having five minutes to sit down and shut my brain off... I now understand how my cell phone must feel some days.

1. Educationally, I still have quite a path to follow. I'm going to be finished my PCA program in exactly 48 possibly delightful, probably exhausting hours from now. From there, it goes: PCA < LPN < BN... MD? We shall see where life leads me. Goddamn, would I ever love to be a doctor. I admire the level of knowledge doctors have, as well as the responsibility that goes with the role. And yes, I understand that it requires about a thousand years of school, a lot of sacrifice, money and stress. Especially the stress. After the last two months, I feel as though theres nothing I can't do. I'M INVINCIBLE.

But really, my work term has taught me a lot of really valuable things. I am going to be a great PCA, but I yearn for something a little more. I intend to climb to the top of the health care ladder, wherever that ladder may end for me.

2. Sometimes, I feel like my boyfriend can read my mind. More than you'd think. It scares me sometimes.

3. I miss reading. And writing.

4. I long for the time to actually work on real artistic projects (as moaned about in my previous entry.)

5. People make me want to burrow into the ground.

6. Bread is amazing and I want to bake some homemade bread again real soon. Sarah, care to cross a goal off your birthday list from last year? I know your new list has begun, but its never too late.

7. Its strange to me that the most important words in my life used to be big, beautiful words like "empyrean", "verisimilitude", "azure", "voluptuous", "velvet"... lush, artistic words that softly massaged the senses and hinted at some big, dreamlike thing.

Now the most important words in my life are shortened little stencil like things... V/S, qid, DNR, bip, MRSA, adb... medical abbreviations, mostly. Though I have found a lot of beauty in medical terms as well. I like big long latin names,  particularly the ones for pathogens and diseases. Words like aphasia, dyspnea, cognition, etc... these all appeal to my word-loving nature.

8. Things that most people find moving or tragic have no affect on me. I find sometimes when people tell me sad stories, I have to fake my reaction. And I don't mean things like "I got a 50% on my last exam", I mean things like "I saw this story on the news about an entire family getting killed in a plane crash". I've never understood why. Maybe its because very little surprises me anymore.

9. I'm worried that in 10 years from now, I will be an orphan. Maybe less.

10. Sometimes, I try to summon up a postcard-perfect glimpse of my life in five years from now, and I just can't do it. When people talk about the future I sort of shut down because I can't get that far ahead. I can't dream because I'm scared of the disappointment involved with dreaming. Also, I feel like my life is on such an unpredictable course right now that theres no telling where I'll end up. I don't even know what, ideally, I'd want my life to be like in 10 years. I really don't.

And that is all for tonight folks. Where is everybody's head at these days? Is it in the fog, in the clouds? Is it hiding behind the sun? Is it asleep or loud or troubled or moonlit?



XO

stare into the sun

I am still among the land of the living, to those that have been curious. I also now have the internet, which means my life has leveled up! I am making a return to blogging as of now, though I'm not quite sure what sort of direction I want to take my blog in now. I'd like to do start doing more artistic, crafty things. I have a scanner now, so I guess thats another point on my technology card (and a cellphone? are you kidding me?) We shall see how events unfold! 

The last few months, I have been struggling. My life has been nothing but school work school work school work. Doing the exact same thing everyday for months on end wears on the spirit. In addition to this, my mother is sick. I am missing all my friends who have flown off to the edges of the world like crazy. I even miss my friends that live in town that I rarely see. 

And winter is cold and white and lonely. This time of year, my brain dies and shrivels to dust. It will bloom again when the flowers do. Its the hardest thing of all to deal with, simply because its like a magnifying glass for all the other awful things that are happening in my life. If I wasn't doomed to spend 5 months of every year being depressed and cynical and angry I might be able to cope with all the other stuff life tosses my way a bit better. 

Anyways, that is all for now friends. Just wanted to say I am here, I am alive. And there will be more words soon. Always more words.

XO

skin and bones

I barely feel like I'm in school anymore! Well, as of yesterday I'm not I guess. But despite the fact that I had an incredibly lazy academic summer post-intersession, I still have that stupid stressful school ache at the back of my head. You all know the one. So its exciting to know that I have a bit more time to myself.

I need novels to read. And good ones. People, please make suggestions! <3

Since I made my lovely book purchases yesterday, I've more or less decided that a scientific reading binge is in order again - I go on one every so often. So I will probably be reading (and re-reading) some of the classic ones I have lying around: my new acquisitions "Gray's Anatomy" and "College Zoology", as well as "The Third Chimpanzee" by Jared Diamond, and I've also had a copy of "The Origin of Species" by Charles Darwin forever and haven't started it yet. When did I become so illiterate? I started re-reading "Last Chance to See" by Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine today and I am dying, really. Its one of the funniest books in existence, and also one of the most interesting. Douglas Adams was so cool, sigh. If you like his "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" books you'd pretty much fall in love with this: think the exact same kind of humor, but him trekking through the jungle with people and having no idea what's going on and looking for komodo dragons and fat birds and things. So wonderous.

Other books I have a hankering to read:

... its better if you just don't question it. I am really sad about this summer, I feel like its senseless to even keep hoping for consistently nice weather, so I guess I have to enjoy the rain before the snow comes? Damn you, Newfoundland. I am going to make the rest of it count just as much as it would if it were 30 degrees everyday and all my friends just wanted to hit the beach and get ice cream every waking moment of their lives. I'll just do it with sweaters and jackets and good books and hot drinks instead.

XO

so say we all

Excuse me friends while I have a nerdgasm all over your computer screen! It'll only take a moment, I swear. 

I have so much difficulty putting Battlestar Galactica into words. Allan and I have been watching the series for over two years now I think, and we're one episode away from the series finale. 

Its one of the best shows I've ever seen. It dazzles me what a complex universe they've created in just four seasons. Its about the end of the world, essentially. It all begins when humanoid robots (who, biologically, are entirely human... there are big clunky metal models as well) wipe out most of the human race in a nuclear attack. 50,000 people remain, and are left drifting through space in a fleet of ships. They are looking for a new planet to call home. The show has so many facets to it. It focuses on military strife, the reconstruction of the government, human ethics, worker's rights, the horrors of war. One of the great conflicts on the show is with religion - the humans are polytheists and essentially believe in the Greek gods, while the robots are monotheists and believe there is only one true God. The humans are hunted through space by the robots (who are called cylons), and must escape them at every turn.

I know a lot of people have an aversion to sci-fi but seriously... this show does a better job of portraying human relationships and depicting a believable system of society than a lot of shows I've watched. The show is largely about what it truly means to be human, and poses so many ethical questions. It has made me ponder and question my beliefs so many times. I'm in love with each character. The lady president with terminal breast cancer - the brave admiral of the fleet who treats each of his crew members like his own children - the amazing young pilots, who are totally badass. Even the cylons themselves, who become more and more human as the series progresses. I also admire how they live in a completely equal and gender neutral society - within the military ranks, everybody is called "sir", and the women on the show are just as tough and strong and capable  as any of the male characters, sometimes moreso... way it should be! Sigh, I don't want it to ever end.

Which television series have you all fallen in love with? Did it crush your heart to see them come to an end?

XO

its always better when we're together

Its a hard time in life. Dave has taken to calling me Eeyore, because all week I've been making suggestions to myself that are either peppy or practical or what have you, then following them by a very unenthusiastic "but what's the goddamn point". Yesterday sort of showed me that there is in fact a point. 

I was in a sad little mood, and my lovely Sarah and I went down to a duck pond with ice cream and chicken fingers. We talked about life over a million cigarettes, while the sky painted pictures with clouds for us and old people held hands. We watched a true display of friendship when a guy fearlessly jumped into the scuzzy pond to rescue his friend's dog. We got crafty together on a park bench, and eventually our sighs of anguish and frustration turned into silly smiles and laughter. Afterwards we went to bulk barn and I giggled at my boyfriend's enthusiasm for peanut butter and lentils. Later that night, I got to hug a friend I haven't seen in months and tell her stories, surprised that my life hasn't stopped completely and I actually have stories to tell. I have a life. Stuff happens in it. Some of those things are wonderful. 

My point here being that I have been reminded of my own personal mantra - that life is a cycle, and where there is good bad will follow, and where there is bad good will follow. Its been one of the hardest summers of my life, I've lost so many beautiful things. I've been stressed. I've been poor. I've questioned and cursed and been furious. But where there is darkness, there is light. I'm just grateful for the people I really care about now and all the things that make me happy. Life will get become incredible again in little baby steps, as it always does. Its already happening. And even despite the badness, I can still honestly say that I am happy, and that I am grateful.

So, in keeping with this trend of happiness, I'd like to make a list of the things that are making me happiest now, and are more or less sustaining my life force. Here goes!

1. Memories.
2. Big, green leaves catching the sunlight everytime I walk out my front door.
3. Good cups of tea, like earl gray and the lemongrass matte I bought yesterday! Its heaven for my aching throat.
4. GIANT BAG OF MINESTRONE. Also from my Bulk Barn adventure. I love soup, and minestrone is my favorite, so I am a happy girl at present.
5. Battlestar Galactica times with Allan. I'm a sucker for a good sci-fi series, and as we're drawing to the show's end my breath is taken away more and more by the utter brilliance of the writers, the actors, the composers. Its incredible in every way.
6. Writing. I've been writing lots of poetry lately, and it is making certain parts of my heart feel at peace with other parts.
7. My beautiful friends, who are always there for me no matter what.
8. My job, which may sound funny, but its so nice to be making money again and have a place where I can shut off my brain completely! Its a blessing sometimes.
9. I am warm all the time.
10. Listening to '90s music.
11. Reading Kurt Vonnegut novels.
12. Clean, wonderful smelling laundry.
13. Fruit.
14. Dreaming about the future.
15. Painting and drawing again.
16. My boyfriend's silly dances.

Not anything particularly extraordinary, but its the little things, you know?


XO

the crimson petal and the white

Allan Ford and I have a special bond over many things - men, books, movies, music, and good television. We like nothing better than to curl up in his bed together for hours and watch amazing television. We laugh, we cry, we criticize, we feel deep embarrassment, we get into intense philosophical and psychological debates. I think a dream come true for us would be getting to direct and write our own series, but alas.

One of our mutual favorite books is "The Crimson Petal and the White" by Michel Faber. Its set in Victorian London, and follows the life of a prostitute named Sugar. She has the distinction of being incredibly articulate and well-read for a woman of her age and class, and when she's not, ahem, "servicing" gentlemen she spends her time composing a novel in which she gets her revenge upon all the men who have violated and wronged her in her life. She yearns to escape to something better. Luckily, she becomes the mistress and obsession of a man who owns a successful perfume and soap company - and leaves her old life behind. But thats just the beginning.

We heard for years that there was talk of making this incredible book into a movie - with Kristen Dunst, of all people, as Sugar. These, so far, have proved  to only be rumors. However, the BBC did a four-part miniseries based on the novel, and let me tell you friends, its an exquisite piece of awesomeness. The actors are superb and its so faithful to the novel in both script and atmosphere. Its one of the most beautiful creations I've ever seen, and exceeded all my expectations for a screen adaptation of the novel.

I beg you, if you have four hours to spare and want something visually pleasing, moving, and well acted to occupy your time, go find it! And read the book - its over 1000 pages long, but its amazing how fast those pages fly. 

XO

all families are psychotic

I've been doing a lot of thinking about families lately. Watching "The Royal Tenenbaums" for the 1000th time (such a lovely film) and reading Douglas Coupland will do that to you, I guess. Also, I find when people outside my intimate circle ask me questions about my family I don't really know how to respond. All my best friends know all the juicy details about my family already and think they're a laugh, but these are understanding people I've known for years. I don't want to sugarcoat my family's craziness, but nor do I want to launch into detailed explanations. Its a tough call.

But maybe everybody sugarcoats their family when they talk about them. My sister's upcoming baby and our family tree branching off has made me think a lot about this lately - what the hell is that boy going to think of us? Who is he going to be within the grand crooked circle of Skinners? Is he going to inherit anything scary from us, either mentally or physically? I bless him with brown hair and blue eyes and a long, healthy, happy life. 

I also don't really understand anybody that has a close relationship with their family. I have friends that rush off to call their mums and pops 3 times a day and I find myself baffled by this. The only time I ever talk to my parents is if something is wrong or I need money or my brother is off his rocker again. I see them twice a year, and while I get occasional pangs of longing to sit around and chain smoke and curse up a blue streak over the latest episode of "American Idol", it passes pretty quickly. Don't get me wrong, my family is close in a way, but I more or less think of them as really good friends I'm not that close to anymore that enjoy supporting me financially sometimes. We definitely have the best of times when we're together.

I want to have my own family someday, and all these things worry me. I don't want to have an estranged daughter, or never hear from my children, and have them walking about saying "my mom is seriously fucked up" to their friends five times a day. I guess the only way to prevent this is to just NOT REPRODUCE. 

XO

things we want and things we need

First chemistry lab of the year today! It was so. Fucking. Chill. I already know the labs like the back of my hand so I flew through it, thankfully. I think I might actually have a shot at passing the course this time. Fall semester my demonstrators were all in their 20s, and this time I'd say my youngest one is in her late 50s. And they are sooo funny. Maureen, the head demonstrator made me "lol" my face off during her introduction. She's one of those older people whose really nice but will tell you anything to your face. I love that in a person. I really do. My favorite part of today, and the same lab last semester, was when we got to heat up magnesium (pictured above! pic from google, not me, though I'd love to have a camera in there). When it gets hot, it makes this intense light that you can't even look at. Then it turns to powder. Its toast.

30 day movie challenge, oui? Before I begin, I have to say that I could not decide between these two movies so I have to mention them both. Its a tie, and there ain't no breaking it, unless Michel Gondry and Darren Aronofsky have a mudfight. I'll do one at a time, though.

DAY 25: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOVIE

"The Fountain", 2006.

This is one of the saddest and most beautiful movies I've ever seen. Quite possibly one of the loveliest love stories ever, and the tripartite storyline just makes it all the more elaborate and lovely. Its set in three different time periods, and is essential one man's search for a cure for mortality so he can save his dying lover. Aside from being incredibly sad, heartwarming, and intense, the special effects... I can't even begin. They didn't use any CGI in the movie, but instead photographed and filmed micro-organisms and light shining through water more or less. I've never seen any other movie that used this kind of imaging, and it makes me sad. Its cheaper, and the affects it produces are absolutely breath-taking. You'd never guess that it was all done organically.

"The Science of Sleep", 2006.

Apparantly 2006 was a good year for visually pleasing movies. If you know me, you may or may not know that one of the boys I'd bang if I could is Gael Garcia Bernal. I mean, c'mon, wouldn't you? He's all Spanish and dorky and adorable. He kills me. This movie is one of the sweetest creations that has ever occured, and is essentially about this very artistic man who has trouble separating his dreams from reality, and falls in love with a pretty French girl, and all the madness that results from these two things. All the sets and props in the movie look like something you'd craft together in an afternoon, and its such a sweet, endearing movies. It reminds me of kids building a playhouse or something, and has such an innocent air about it. I love the giant spider typewriter thing the best when he's dictating the fateful letter. Sign. Michel Gondry is a visual genius.

I am feeling mighty weird today, and for the last two days. Don't really know why. Probably just stressed with school and money and such, but I'm not really enjoying the company of people too much these days and I hate that. I mostly just want to curl up in a ball and stuff my face and take scalding hot baths, but then when I'm home alone I feel lonely and think too much! There is no happy medium to my life, there really isn't. Sigh.

Its chemistry studying time, everybody. I hope you're all having a bit of a better day than I. At least I know stuff always gets better!

XO